Republican Party

From RationalWiki

The Republican Party animal. Refusing to adapt to a more sustainable lifestyle to cope with global warming, and having faith that it doesn't exist, threatens the party's existence.

actual Party logo

Members of the Republican Party have occupied the White House for the last seven years.

The Republican Party is an ultraconservative, reactionary political party in the United States of America. While the Republican Party was once the party of civil rights and Abraham Lincoln, and later became known as the party of personal responsibility and restricted government, in the latter half of the 20th century it became a party dominated primarily by rich people who can afford seven-figure bribes, the psychotically religious, and experts in framing issues to play to constituents' prejudices.

After 2000, the Bush-McCain wing of the party ballooned the national debt to its highest level in American history.

Conservapedia considers the Republican Party to be moderate/center-right on issues politically.^[1] However, in this alternate reality, center has been repositioned just to the right of the political positions of the Galactic Empire's Emperor Palpatine.

The Republican Party is also known as the Grand Old Party (GOP) although it is, in fact, younger than the Democratic Party and not that grand.

For an as-yet-unknown reason, the Imperial March by John Williams begins playing out of thin air anytime more than ten Republicans gather in any one place.

Some people will argue that plenty of "old-style" Republicans still exist, and are just waiting for a suitable figure to lead them. If so, it is hard to tell them from the faux-rebels running around. Most commentators just assume they're either endangered or extinct (or on acid).

[edit] Timeline

• 1854 - The party is founded. Times are very different from today, as people look to the Republican party for positive policies concerning race as opposed to the Democratic party, which at the time tended to favor the interests of propertied whites.

• 1860 - Abraham Lincoln, possibly the greatest president ever, is elected. He is remarkably bipartisan and agreeable, acting on what he feels is best for America rather than what is best for his party. He gets shot dead for this.

• 1901 - Theodore "Teddy" Roosevelt becomes president upon the assassination of William McKinley (George W. Bush in a previous life). He goes on to do many things that would be anathema to modern Republicans, including fighting big business and protecting the environment.

• 1929 - The Great Depression starts. The Republican party, which has changed from the "people's party" to the "rich white males' party" applies the "just watch the country go down the crapper" strategy. Thank you, Herbert Hoover!

• 1933 - Franklin Delano Roosevelt (not a Republican), another candidate for greatest president ever, takes over. Ends Great Depression through big government policies and wins us the Second World War. Brings seventy years of prosperity under Democratic rule to America.

• 1969-1974 - Richard Nixon aka "Tricky Dicky" is elected on a promise to have a secret plan to end the Vietnam War. The plan is so secret, another 20,000 GIs die before Nixon runs for re-election on a promise to really really end the war for sure this time. By that time, his "plumbers" have been arrested for trying to wire the DNC offices in the Watergate complex, resulting in a cover-up so disgusting, and abuses of power so scary, the country actually elects Jimmy Carter in 1976.

• 1981-1989 - Ronald Reagan gets into office. Gets credit for delayed effects of crappy Soviet economy, delayed effects of previous presidents, and for being rude to other world leaders. Illegally sells weapons to Iran, which are used several years later by extremists (like in present times). Spends 1/4 of all military defense money spent during the Cold War. Becomes principal deity to a new, cultish religion. Vetoes the 1987 highway bill because it included 121 earmarks and was $10 billion over the line he had drawn in the sand.

• 1994 - The Republican party takes control of Congress as a result of complacency and corruption in the Democratic Party. Begins a fourteen-year era where the Republicans really *&%$ things up and destroy any chance of power for dozens of years after a Democratic president and a new Democratic majority is elected in 2008. It took the Democratic Party 61 years to become fat and lazy, and it only took the Republicans 14.

• 2000 - The Republican party elects the first monkey president, chiefly due to Ralph Nader stealing votes from Gore and voter fraud and suppression in Florida.

• 2005 - Bush signs a $286.4 billion dollar highway bill passed by a GOP-controlled Congress, earmarking $24 billion for 6,376 pet projects. What line? What sand?

• 2007 - Bush presses for passage of McCain's bill granting a path to citizenship for 20 million illegal immigrants. Only a grassroots effort by abandoned conservatives (who demand the border be locked down and illegals not be rewarded for breaking the law) dials back the GOP drive for amnesty.

[edit] Selected Republicans

• 50 Cent^[2]
• Abraham Lincoln^[3]
• Jesse Helms
• His Most Grand High Exaltedness, Slayer of the Dragon of Communism, and Defender of the Faith - Saint Ronald Wilson Reagan
• Karl Rove - criminal who has avoided summons to appear before Congress
• Dick Cheney - the angel of death
• Tom Delay - HeHe, I'll kill them, just show me where they are!
• Alan Keyes - wow.
• George W. Bush - chimpanzee President. Whodathunkit? We are so close!
• John McCain - jowly wanna-be President. Currently the Republican Party nominee (as of September 2008). Still alive (as of September 2008).
• Jack Abramoff - busted felon
• Mitt Romney - former governor of Massachusetts, ran for the Republican nomination in the 2008 Presidential erection, along with another dozen or so rich old white men. His Mormonism was a little too much for the American people. Or was it just that... perfect hair...?
• Marilyn Musgrave Crazy Representative from Colorado.

[edit] See also

• Democrat Party
• Democratic Party
• Log Cabin Republicans, a weird subgroup of Republicans who seem to believe the exact opposite of the Republican party.
• REBEL

[edit] Footnotes

1. ↑ Conservapedia's Republican party article
2. ↑ http://www.mtv.com/news/articles/1514482/20051123/50_cent.jhtml?headlines=true
3. ↑ He probably wishes that he could get off this list.