Florida
From RationalWiki
Florida is America's wang, and hangs proudly over the Caribbean from the United States' abdomen. It is also the least explicable of the weird states, being the only state so honored with its own tag by Fark.com.
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[edit] Demographics
Due to its geographic location, it is home to both large numbers of retired Americans from northerly climes, and (the descendants of) disenfrachised Cuban businessmen who were pwned by Fidel Castro in 1959. Also flying cockroaches large enough to need their own runways.
[edit] Retirees
Retirees in Florida are required to submit to the following provisions prior to being allowed past the Florida state line checkpoints:
- New Florida residents above the age of 64½ are required by Florida Statute to wear enormous sunglasses that cover their already enormous coke-bottle trifocals. While not in use and at night time, they are required to be displayed conspicuously on the front seat of their Crown Victoria (or other large vehicle as deemed appropriate by local law enforcment).
- Per the aforementioned article, all new Florida residents of the specified age are required to drive a vehicle no less than 20 feet in length and maintain speeds no more than 10 (ten) miles per hour below the posted speed limit. (This statute is temporarily lifted if the driver is en route to a bingo game and has proper bingo identification)
[edit] Foreign residents
As of FY2010, all resident aliens will be required to pay a state entry and exit tariff in the amount of 20% of their gross income. Conversely, all illegal aliens will receive a scholarship to the University of Florida, a (non-transferable) all-access pass to Café Risque (with multiple convenient locations along I-75), and a yearly stipend of no less than 20% of the average gross income of all legal citizens residing in the state.
Key West thinks they are a foreign country, the "Conch Republic". But they aren't.
[edit] National politics
With its large population and relatively balanced political demographics, it is a very important state for presidential candidates to woo. Or steal.
[edit] Le sports
Florida is also home to the mighty NFL powerhouse, the Miami Dolphins. Florida is the only state to have outlawed bungee jumping, which is sort of moot because there's nothing high enough in Florida to bungee jump from.[1]
[edit] Climate
Without air conditioning, Florida would still be an uninhabitable swamp. Everyone has their backyards filled with huge screen houses, and it thunderstorms so much that Florida is widely known as the lightning strike capital of the world.
The panhandle of Florida with its white sand beaches (and even hills!) is tolerable due to a constant breeze blowing in from the Gulf of Mexico. But Pensacola is the very buckle of the Bible Belt.
| The Bible Belt | |
| Alabama - Arkansas - Florida - Georgia Kansas - Kentucky - Louisiana - Mississippi Missouri - North Carolina - Oklahoma - South Carolina Tennessee - Texas - Virginia - West Virginia - Jesusland |
