Barack Obama

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Barack Obama.
"SUCKERS!!!!."

"Alleged"^[1] President Elect Barack Obama (allegedly^[2] born allegedly^[2] allegedly allegedly born^[2], unborn, allegedly hatched^[3] in Honolulu, August 4, 1961) is a United States senator from Illinois, and a member of the Democratic Party. He is now the President-elect of the United States of America, and will be sworn in as the forty-fourth President on 20 January 2009. He is most notable for being young and idealistic-seeming. One of the central things that distinguishes his campaign from those of the other mainstream Democratic candidates is that he practices "the politics of Hope." Oh yes, and he will also bring Change.

Senator Obama became known to the world during the 2004 Democratic convention, when he gave a keynote speech that made much of the nation take notice.

He is now known to the world as the avatar of American racism perhaps being consigned to the "ash-bin of history". We can only "hope".

A lot of Americans are weary of Obama as they believe he is not actually American. This is probably because he weighs less than 25 stone.

[edit] Political views

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Obama has taken a clear stand against torture and for human rights, except for privacy rights and some other civil liberties when he voted for FISA.

He also does not advocate a mandatory universal health care plan, as his is merely about lowering premiums and costs. Many have called this plan more effective than Senator Clinton's mandatory plan, and many have criticized it for being not fully mandatory.

Oh, and if we haven't mentioned, he likes Change. A lot. We're serious.

Obama said that opposing the war in Iraq was “as tough a decision that I’ve had to make, not only because there were political consequences but also because Saddam Hussein was a bad person and there was no doubt he meant America ill.”

Obama was a state senator in Illinois when Congress authorized the president to use force in Iraq. He didn’t have to make a decision on the war.

[edit] 2008 primary and caucus updates

He won the Iowa caucus and South Carolina primary, and a bunch of others on Super Tuesday. He went twelve-for-twelve in February and won Vermont in March. In May, he won North Carolina, whereupon he was declared the "presumptive nominee" by many pundits.^[4]

Towards the end of the race, he succeeded in maintaining a marginal lead over Hillary Clinton, in what became a two-way race.

On May 14, he received the endorsement of John Edwards, the third-place former candidate.^[5] He also has the support of Chris Dodd, another former candidate, and a half-dozen or so Kennedys.

By the end of the primary/caucus season, June 3 2008, he had garnered enough pledged delegates and endorsements from superdelegates to claim the Democratic Party nomination. This was confirmed further when Senator Clinton suspended her campaign on June 7, 2008, and pledged her support to Obama, effectively giving him the nomination.

[edit] 2008 presidential election

Holy crap, it's Mr. T's baby! And I think it needs changing! By the way, what is the pink thing the aliens put in its head?

• August 23, 2008: Obama chooses Senator Joseph Biden as his Vice-Presidential candidate.
• August 28, 2008: Barack Obama is nominated by acclamation as the Democratic Party's presidential candidate, making him the first African-American to become the presidential candidate for a major political party in the U.S.
• November 4, 2008:Barack Obama wins the 2008 Presidential Election
• November 5, 2008:As of 9:45 AM Conservapedia has still failed to edit their page on Barack Obama and declare him President Elect.

When Obama was ready to announce Joe Biden for VP, he sent the name out at 3 AM by text message to people who signed up (generating $3,000,000 which was split evenly between the Telecoms and the Obama campaign). There's still some kinks to be ironed out, but Obama's noble experiment to make the White House work like American Idol (Known as Pop Idol in other places without an identiy crisis) continues apace. By January 2009, people will be able to text in their preferences for anything from renegotiating NAFTA to defending Taiwan. For the first time, Americans will have a direct impact on what their President will do. And what could be more Democratic than that?

[edit] Various smear attempts

Many people have tried to smear Obama by claiming he is a Muslim (which, as Colin Powell rightly pointed out, shouldn't be a smear, but, alas, it is in practice), since his father (who was an African immigrant) was. (Or he may have been an agnostic ^[6] or an atheist.)^[7] However, Obama is a staunch Christian, and often injects Jesus and God into his speeches. The myth of Obama's connections with Islam originated with paranoid right-wing pundit and litigator Andy Martin, who has also perpetuated various other smears against Obama, linking him to radicalism and socialism, as well as demanding public access to his birth certificate.

Unlike some people, Senator Obama does not wear a flag pin in his lapel,^[8] because he thinks it isn't needed to prove his patriotism. However, he did wear one given to him by a veteran at one speech. He has continued to wear one sporadically during his campaign, notably at major political events.

The many faces of Barack Obama

In yet another horrific public display, Senator Obama was observed not putting his hand on his heart while the National Anthem was being sung. It should be noted, however, that this is not a necessary protocol - one is merely expected to remove one's headgear, remain respectfully silent or sing along, and avoid scratching one's nether regions (a protocol routinely ignored by professional athletes, among others). Since Obama was singing along, it makes sense that he would keep his arms at his side, in order to facilitate better voice production.

His name terrifies illiterate rednecks:

• Barack (rhymes with Iraq, also means "blessed" in Swahili--derived from the same Semitic language root as Baruch in Hebrew)
• Hussein ('nuff said)
• Obama (spelled by Faux News as Osama)

His skin color terrifies racist morons.

One idiot believes that, if elected, Barack Obama will be the first Affirmative Action President.^[9] Others believe the former needs professional psychological help. No one believes he would be the second Affirmative Action President.^[10]

Actually, several world leaders have been the beneficiaries of Affirmative Action. George W. Bush benefited from Affirmative Action in favor of privileged white males, and in France, the current president represents Affirmative Action in favor of short people.

Obama has been attacked because his pastor, the Rev. Jeremiah Wright, while certainly being a little edgy, and definitely being outspoken, has been quoted severely out of context in attempts to make him seem like an America-hating bat-shit crazy loon.^[11][12]

Senator Obama "is a communist gay Martian" ^[13]

[edit] The first 100 days

This image of him proves beyond any doubt that he is a Muslim. It really really does.

The first 100 days of the Obama Administration are expected to be eventful ones.

1) All handgun owners must deliver their weapon to the local police station within five days, together with all associated cartridges. Rifle and shotgun owners must turn in their weapons after the 2009 hunting season, but not later than December 31, 2009.

2) Government-funded high school field trips to Mecca to complete the "Hajj" element of the Five Pillars Of Islam curriculum shall fulfill the Social Awareness credit required for graduation.

3) The minimum wage shall be raised to $10 per hour, even for lettuce-pickers, and the maximum wage shall also be lowered to $10 per hour, even for doctors.

4) There shall be a mandatory draft for all men and women ages 18 to 20 into the Civilian Overseas Nation Building Corps, unless they are accepted in a Women's Studies or Progressive Journalism program at a major East Coast university.

5) Boot Camp to be replaced with outcome-based training in all branches of the service. Instead of taking orders, recruits will be encouraged to share their impressions of what the Company Commander is suggesting they try to do.

6) All current residents of the Federal and State corrections system shall be discharged and enrolled in voluntary anger-management courses. Prisons shall become re-education facilities for hate crimes, such as calling Rosie a "fat annoying dyke".

7) All vehicles getting less than 35 miles per gallon shall pay an annual federal Excise Tax not less than 10% of the Kelly Blue Book value of the rig.

8) All freeway lanes except the far right lane are to be designated HOV lanes for cars carrying at least four persons, enforced by computer cam, watched by 1.5 million new federal employees working from home.

9) Comprehensive health care, broadband pornography, home heating oil, and government cheese are all basic rights to be given to the American people for free.

10) Allahu Akbar shall be inscribed in Arabic on American currency, replacing the current hate slogan "In God We Trust"

[edit] External links

• On March 18 2008, Senator Obama gave a landmark speech, responding to scurrilous attacks by rising far above them and addressing one of the deadly problems in American society. The text and video are available here.
  There is also a text copy here for your convenience.
• Obama gives his views on patriotism.
• Obama gives his acceptance speech video text MP3 audio after being elected as the next U.S. president.

[edit] Footnotes

1. ↑ pending a recount conducted personally by George W Bush
2. ↑ ^{2.0 2.1 2.2} Andy said it.
3. ↑ While it invokes no doubt that Obama "came to life" in Honolulu, there are doubts whether he was born, or assembled as a robot. Obama is probably the one man able to harm MacBeth
4. ↑ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jdzCxvbe5Hg This is a clip from CBS News
5. ↑ http://www.cnn.com/2008/POLITICS/05/14/edwards.obama/index.html
6. ↑ Father Agnostic
7. ↑ Father atheist
8. ↑ http://politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com/2007/10/05/obama-no-longer-wears-flag-pin/
9. ↑ http://www.conservapedia.com/index.php?title=Affirmative_Action_President&oldid=380208
10. ↑ Bill Clinton is the whitest person alive.
11. ↑ http://andrewsullivan.theatlantic.com/the_daily_dish/2008/03/the-wright-post.html
12. ↑ http://andrewsullivan.theatlantic.com/the_daily_dish/2008/03/wright-in-conte.html
13. ↑ I heard it on the radio!