John Kerry

From RationalWiki

John "Heinz" Kerry is a politician in the United States of America. He holds the senior Senate seat in Massachusetts, and almost won an election to the Presidency in 2004, against an incumbent - during wartime. Which, as a C student in college, is a position he is eminently qualified for.

He is famous for having 57 varieties of flip flops in his shoe closet.

He is also ridiculously French.

In September 2007 an incident at the University of Florida in which a student was forcibly removed, and tasered, at an event where John Kerry was speaking, caused a stir in the media and the internet.

Kerry famously piloted a boat up teh Mekong River in The 'Nam to locate one rogue colonel named Kurtz while jamming to "I Can't Get No Satisfaction" and dodging tigers and Playboy bunnies and teh like while the whole crew was tripping on something. A movie was eventually made about this with the names changed to protect the guilty. He was also in Skull and Bones at Yale, which makes him very eminently qualified to be President, at least in the view of our sekrit rulerz.

He was an early supporter of Barack Obama, and many thought he would become the American Secretary of State. Instead, he is now the chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee, and does some diplomacy for the United States, such as when he convinced Hamid Karzai to hold a runoff election after accusations of fraud in the Afghan election. It was said that Kerry, better than many, could fantasize about what it was like to have an election taken away by fraud.