Republican Party

From RationalWiki

The Republican Party animal. Refusing to adapt to a more sustainable lifestyle to cope with global warming, and having faith that it doesn't exist, threatens the party's existence.

actual Party logo

Members of the Republican Party occupied the White House for seven years till Obama kicked them out.

The Republican Party is a right-wing political party in the United States of America. While the Republican Party was once the party of civil rights and Abraham Lincoln, and later became known as the party of personal responsibility and restricted government, in the latter half of the 20th century it became a party dominated primarily by rich people who can afford seven-figure bribes, the psychotically religious, and experts in framing issues to play to constituents' prejudices.

After 2000, the Bush-McCain wing of the party ballooned the national debt to its highest level in American history. Their successor, Barack Obama seeks to solve this problem by spending more money.

Conservapedia considers the Republican Party to be moderate/center-right on issues politically.^[1] However, in this alternate reality, center has been repositioned just to the right of the political positions of the Galactic Empire's Emperor Palpatine.

The Republican Party is also known as the Grand Old Party (GOP) although it is, in fact, younger than the Democratic Party and not that grand.

For an as-yet-unknown reason, the Imperial March by John Williams begins playing out of thin air anytime more than ten Republicans gather in any one place, and wherever Dick Cheney happens to be.

Some people will argue that plenty of "old-style" Republicans still exist, and are just waiting for a suitable figure to lead them. If so, it is hard to tell them from the faux-rebels running around. Most commentators just assume they're either endangered or extinct (or on acid).

[edit] Timeline

• 1854 - The party is founded. Times are very different from today, as people look to the Republican party for positive policies concerning race as opposed to the Democratic party, which at the time tended to favor the interests of rich people and slave owners.

• 1860 - Abraham Lincoln, possibly the greatest president ever, is elected. He is remarkably bipartisan and agreeable, acting on what he feels is best for America rather than what is best for his party. Unfortunately he was not bipartisan enough to escape the ire of a certain Confederate sympathizer, who assassinated him.

• 1901 - Theodore "Teddy" Roosevelt becomes president upon the assassination of William McKinley (George W. Bush in a previous life). He goes on to do many things that would be anathema to modern Republicans, including fighting big business and protecting the environment.

• 1912 - The Republicans are split between the conservative William H. Taft and the progressive Roosevelt. When the convention moves for Taft, TR leads an exodus to the new Progressive or Bull Moose party. The Republican electorate fractures, TR's party comes in second and the Democrats take the White House. From this point onwards, the Republicans would unequivocally be the conservative party.

• 1929 - The Great Depression starts. The Republican party, which has changed from the "people's party" to the "rich people's party," applies the "just watch the country go down the crapper" strategy. Thank you, Herbert Hoover!

• 1933 - Franklin Delano Roosevelt (not a Republican), another candidate for greatest president ever, takes over. Ends Great Depression through big government policies and the luck of being in office when the U.S. is drawn into, and helps win, World War II. Brings many years of prosperity to America, along with hitherto unknown levels of national debt.

• 1948-1968. The racial-segregationist Southern Democrats are abandoned by their increasingly tolerant party and gradually move to the increasingly racist Republican Party. In 1964, the Deep South is the only region captured by Republican Barry Goldwater aside from his home state. By the end of the decade, the once-solidly Democratic South has turned red (although Southerners Carter and Clinton temporarily reverse the trend).

• 1969-1974 - Richard Nixon aka "Tricky Dicky" is elected on a promise that he has a secret plan to end the Vietnam War. The plan is so secret, another 20,000 GIs die before Nixon runs for re-election on a promise to really really end the war for sure this time. By that time, his "plumbers" have been arrested for trying to wire the DNC offices in the Watergate complex, resulting in a cover-up so disgusting, and abuses of power so scary, the country actually elects Jimmy Carter in 1976.

• 1981-1989 - Ronald Reagan gets into office. Gets credit for delayed effects of crappy Soviet economy, delayed effects of previous presidents, and for being rude to other world leaders. Illegally sells weapons to Iran, which are used several years later by extremists (like in present times). Spends 1/4 of all military defense money spent during the Cold War. Becomes principal deity to a new, cultish religion. Vetoes the 1987 highway bill because it included 121 earmarks and was $10 billion over the line he had drawn in the sand.

• 1994 - The Republican party takes control of Congress as a result of complacency and corruption in the Democratic Party. Begins a fourteen-year era where the Republicans really *&%$ things up and destroy any chance of power for dozens of years after a Democratic president and a new Democratic majority is elected in 2008. It took the Democratic Party 61 years to become fat and lazy, and it only took the Republicans 14.

• 2000 - The Republican party elects the first monkey president, chiefly due to Al "Doom and Gloom" Gore stealing votes that should rightfully have gone to Buchanan and Nader, and voter fraud and suppression in Florida.

• 2005 - Bush signs a $286.4 billion dollar highway bill passed by a GOP-controlled Congress, earmarking $24 billion for 6,376 pet projects. What line? What sand?

• 2007 - Bush presses for passage of McCain's bill granting a path to citizenship for 20 million illegal immigrants. Only a grassroots effort by abandoned conservatives (who demand the border be locked down and illegals not be rewarded for breaking the law) dials back the GOP drive for amnesty.

• 2008 - As his presidency was winding down, Bush issued a series of executive orders with nasty environmental consequences.

• 2009 - People are counting down the days. 4... 3... 2... 1...

[edit] Ties to Mammon

Despite their claims of being in the service of God, in recent times the Republican Party has shown a belief in Mammon. Mammon is the personification or deity of greed in the Bible. Some within the GOP try to mask Jesus as one of them, altering his teachings to serve their policital platform. A prime example of this would be one idiot and his "bible". Others are more open with their agendas, such as Sen. Jim Bunning.^[2] Even some right-wing Ministers within the Church encouarge deceit^[3]. The closest, thus far, of the GOP stating who they really pray too would be Glenn Beck encouraging his viewers to be greedy.^[4] And these people believe they deserve a place in Heaven.

[edit] Selected Republicans

• 50 Cent^[5]
• Abraham Lincoln^[6] - However, Lincoln was a member of the National Union Party during the last year of his life.
• Jesse Helms
• His Most Grand High Exaltedness, Slayer of the Dragon of Communism, and Defender of the Faith - Saint Ronald Wilson Reagan
• Karl Rove - criminal who has avoided summons to appear before Congress.
• Dick Cheney - the angel of death.
• Tom DeLay - HeHe, I'll kill them, just show me where they are!
• Alan Keyes - wow.
• George W. Bush - chimpanzee President. Whodathunkit? We are so close!
• John McCain - jowly wanna-be President. Currently the failed Republican Party candidate, a US Senator, and still alive (as of May 2009.)
• Jack Abramoff - busted felon
• Mitt Romney - former governor of Massachusetts, ran for the Republican nomination in the 2008 Presidential erection, along with another dozen or so rich old white men. His Mormonism was a little too much for the American people. Or was it just that... perfect hair...?
• Marilyn Musgrave - crazy Representative from Colorado.
• Ted Bundy - misogynist serial killer who spent his last days before the chair with James Dobson groaning on about how porn ruined his life.
• Sarah Palin - was scarily close to being an old guy's heartbeat away from the Presidency.
• Michael Steele - current leader of the RNC and de facto leader of the party. Upset a lot of old white people by suggesting the party should focuse on younger, non white people.
• Johnny Ramone - What the fuck, right?
• Michele Bachmann
• Joe Wilson
• Virginia Foxx - She said Matthew Shepard was killed in a robbery, not because he was gay. She hasn't said why he was tortured and crucified.
• James Bopp- seeks a "pure" GOP. Also likes to call people names
• Ron Paul - the guy nobody pays any attention to
• Rush Limbaugh - a fat, stupid radio talk-show host

[edit] Former GOP Members

• Charles Barkley - Because as a child his grandmother had told him they weren't rich enough to be Republicans, he thought he had to be a Republican after making millions from basketball. He has since learned that the Republicans suck in general, and is thinking of running for office in his native Alabama as a Democrat or Independent.
• Secretary of Defense Robert Gates - He hasn't renounced his party allegiance, but being the SecDef under Obama and pushing for an end to Don't Ask Don't Tell has pretty well sealed that deal.
• Former Secretary of State Colin Powell - Still claims to be a Republican as well, but was excommunicated by Dick Cheney and others for supporting Obama and opposing both the Iraq War and DADT.
• Former Senator Lincoln Chafee
• Former Senator Jim Jeffords

[edit] See also

• Democrat Party
• Democratic Party
• Log Cabin Republicans, a weird subgroup of Republicans who seem to believe the exact opposite of the Republican party.
• REBEL
• Club for Growth, not to be confused with the Hair Club for Men, nor Male Enhancement
• The American Dream -Their 1950's Golden Era

[edit] External links

• I'm Voting Republican

[edit] Footnotes

1. ↑ Conservapedia's Republican party article
2. ↑ http://crooksandliars.com/susie-madrak/filibuster-sen-jim-bunning-bucks-unem
3. ↑ http://www.webcommentary.com/php/ShowArticle.php?id=gaynorm&date=100308
4. ↑ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6mzzLLxe87M&feature=sub
5. ↑ http://www.mtv.com/news/articles/1514482/20051123/50_cent.jhtml?headlines=true
6. ↑ He probably wishes that he could get off this list.