Canada
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Canada, or the Soviet Canuckistan, is the second largest country, by land mass, in the world (after Russia[1]), eh, is a parliamentary monarchy located directly north of the United States, with whom it enjoys a complex and contradictory relationship. While the two countries are very close allies and major trading partners, Canadians have a smug and superior attitude towards Americans (primarily because Canada is awesome) and tend to define themselves by how they differ from their neighbours in the Great Republic to the South. As the comedian Rick Mercer famously put it, "Remember, Canada is bigger and it's on top. If this were prison, the USA would be Canada's bitch." (Everyone seems to forget that Greenland is on top of Canada, though.)
Canada is a part of the Commonwealth of Nations, its capital is Ottawa, and its current monarch, Queen Elizabeth II, lives in a palace in England.
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[edit] Language
Canadiacs speak French (though it is a separate dialect from standard French, sometimes referred to by French Nationals as "joual") or Canadian English, and sometime both. Canadian spelling uses lots of extra U's and E's for no reason. Despite being loyal to the English Crown, Quebecians hate non-French speaking slime as much as their brethren across the Big Pond. You will also be stoned to death if you pronounce 'Z' as 'zee.'
[edit] Health care
Canada has a complex system of universal health care that is free. However, they still flock in droves to the Dirty South because it is not uncommon for Canadiacs to die whilst waiting for specific medical operations.[2]
[edit] Gay marriage
They let homosexuals get married there, much to the chagrin of conservative Alberta.
[edit] Firearms
Although firearms are slightly more regulated there than they are in the United States, in terms of the number of citizens who own guns and the number of guns owned total the Canadian populace is every bit as armed to the teeth as the US. Interestingly, despite this, Canadians refuse to shoot each other at anything approaching the same rate[3].
[edit] Baseball
Canada is also the only country besides the United States with the opportunity to have its Japanese, Dominican, Mexican, Cuban, Venezuelan and American baseball players compete for the "World Series" championship title in professional baseball. The country has one team, which plays in the capital city of Toronto. The Blue Jays won the World Series in 1992 and 1993, despite having a Canadian on the team. Rob Butler is the only Canadian to win a World Series with a Canadian baseball squad.
[edit] Beer
Canadians are especially proud of their beer. They say American beer, on the other hand, is like making love in a canoe - F***ing close to water. This sense of superiority is confusing to many who have tried Labatt's Blue or Kokanee products. To be fair, both are Canada's version of Miller Light and are only consumed by wusses.
[edit] Blame Canada!
Canada is featured in the song "Blame Canada" in the South Park movie. The humorously derogatory lyrics include:
"No, blame Canada, blame Canada!
With all their beady little eyes and flapping heads so full of lies
Blame Canada! Blame Canada!
...
It seems that everything's gone wrong since Canada came along.
Blame Canada! Blame Canada!
They're not even a real country anyway!"[4]
[edit] How Canada got its name
Way back when Canada became a nation, a group of citizens got together to decide what the new country would be called. Somebody just happened to have a game of Scrabble and they decided to take turns drawing letters, and thus would the country be named. The first person drew the letter C and called out, "C, eh?" The second person drew an N and called out, "N, eh?" The third person drew a D ("eh?").
Ha ha.
[edit] Science fiction
One of Canada's main exports is science fiction shows, such as Sanctuary, Stargate, Stargate SG-1, and Stargate Atlantis. Also, science fiction novels by Robert J. Sawyer, Robert Charles Wilson, Spider Robinson, and other dudes with the syllable "Rob" in their names. And also Cory Doctorow. ...And Margaret Atwood, though, she would deny it.
[edit] Humor
Canada comes in for a lot of mockery, mostly from Canadians and Americans. Despite that, dozens of ostensibly funny sources, including Stephen Colbert, The Simpsons,[5] South Park[6] and others, return to the same tired subjects. Research shows there are only 5 6 jokes about Canada:
- Celine Dion/Bryan Adams are terrible
- It's really cold/there's lots of snow
- Canadians say "eh?" and "aboot"
- Canadians apologise (for being Canadian, presumably)[7]
- They drink lots of beer
- They play hockey
[edit] See also
- Back bacon
- Eh?
- Communist Infiltration of the West
- Political parties of Canada
- They put gravy on french fries
- Canadian provinces
[edit] Footnotes
- ↑ But if Russia keeps on shrinking, soon they will be first! As long as they keep Québec.
- ↑ http://www.city-journal.org/html/17_3_canadian_healthcare.html
- ↑ "Bowling For Columbine", Michael Moore et al.
- ↑ http://www.stlyrics.com/lyrics/southparkbiggerlonger&uncut/blamecanada.htm
- ↑ Homer: "Marge, anyone can miss Canada. All tucked away down there."
- ↑ Oh, come on. "Beady little eyes, and flapping heads so full of lies."
- ↑ 'toons
