Fun:Unintelligent design
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[edit] The First Day
In the beginning GOD created the heavens and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void. And God said "let there be light". And there was light. But he created so much of it that it reacheth the earth from great distances, and must have started its travels before he created it six thousand years ago.
[edit] The Second Day
On the second day God separated the waters from the heavens. In fact he separated the heavens so much that man may never reach the stars, as there would be a shortage of vital metals, never mind the bloody oil, to make the hi-tech craft necessary. But he still set eternity in our hearts, just to rub it in, the bastard.
And he also desired that the earth have every element. And he created like 103 elements (and choose to have about 80 or so not to decay), and he placed them in the Earth. But he had only one day to do, like, this massive fucking job. And the angels came unto him, and said, "LORD, mighty are your works and terrible is your omnipotence. But we humbly ask if you would be less stressed and not shout at the lesser angels because of overwork, what with creating every element. We feeleth, and we're not being judgemental, because we're, like, y'know, Angels, that you shouldst subcontracteth some of the boring stuff to the angel Halliburton Azazel, who is new and desireth usefulness." And the LORD was pleased with the wisdom and compassion of the angels, and he gave the job of distributing the radioactive elements to Azazel, who distributed them fairly evenly in the very core of the earth, and rather less evenly in the crust. And there was a bit left over. And Azazel came unto the LORD, thinking to ask where to put it. But it was 4.30 and the LORD had knocked off early to beat the traffic. So Azazel deposited all the spare nuclear materials in the land of Gabon until the morning, thinking no harm would come of it. And the pile was of the mass that is called critical. And there was a nuclear reaction, which spoiled the land so that no seed would grow or beast reproduce after its kind for centuries. And come the morning, the LORD'S wrath was dread to behold, and he pwned Azazel's back parts all the way to the fucking desert.
[edit] The Third Day
On the third day the LORD separated the land from the waters. And he populated the earth with every herb of the land. and he maketh it necessary for most of them to be pollinated by insects, even though there weren't any yet. And among these plants was the banana, to prove his beneficience. And God saw that it was good.
[edit] The Fourth Day
And the LORD placed the earth in the firmament, with a bright star to rule the day, and crashing a planet the size of Mars into the Earth to create the Moon to rule the night, even if such collisions would kill all the plants existed on Day 3 and vaporize the water on earth as part of the work on Day 2 and 3. So the LORD commands the angels to redo the work on waters and plants. Also created he a companion for the sun, with orbiteth every six and twenty million years. And each six and twenty millionth year, the star, that is called Nemesis, approacheth the sun too darn close, and disturbeth the comets of the outer sphere, and disaster striketh the multitude of leviathans and other interesting beasts that walketh about the surface of the earth. And the LORD saw that it was good.
[edit] The Fifth Day
On the fifth day the LORD created the creatures of the sea, and the fowls of the air, and the beasts of the earth. And boy did he mess up a few. For lo, he createth the panda, a carnivore which only eats bamboo, which flowereth and dieth en masse every few decades, so that the panda is continually threatened with extinction.
And he createth the palm-nut vulture, a bird of prey that only eats nuts, and the flightless birds of many kinds, but which still hath wings, really, what the fuck was that all about. Also created he the flatfish, which lieth on its side, but with both eyes on one side of its face and one gill cover uselessly pressed against the sea floor; and also the cormorant, which he maketh an eater of fish, with webbed feet, and the correct metabolism for a fish diet, but which he forgetteth to make bleeding waterproof, I mean who doeth that? Honestly. And of the creeping things of the earth he maketh the slow-worm, which is like unto a snake in that it is a lizard without legs, but like unto a lizard in that it hath shoulderblades and hips, both completely useless. He also createth the koala, an animal who climbeth but whose pouch faceth backward so its young are always on the verge of falling out.
[edit] The Sixth Day
On the sixth day the LORD created every beast after its kind, and twigged not that He had already done all that the day before. And the Angels saw that the LORD was slacking a bit here, and brought unto Him a coffee, because he needed to be, like, really alert for the next job, which was quite important, actually.
On the sixth day, just after the coffee, God created people; male and female created he them. And he maketh their throats such that they would speak, yet in such a way that his people, made in his likeness, risk choking every time they swallow. And he maketh the reproductive system such that it would be fun to procreate, yet in such a way it is used for sewage on all the other occasions. And in his wisdom, he created the useless, annoying wisdom teeth. The LORD at this point offered this author a generous opportunity to shut the hell up, but Lo! The truth shall set you free. Just one more word: APPENDIX.
