Steven Seagal

Seagal visiting Putin in the Belly of the Beast.

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“”Steven Seagal is so slow that they film most of his chase scenes with drawings. In fact, many art historians categorize Above the Law as a sculpture.

—Seanbaby activist and aspiring politician.

Steven Frederic Seagull Seagal (born 1952 in Michigan) is an actor, martial artist professional charlatan, musician, vegetarian, (alleged) habitual sex offender, apologist for dictators, and "the biggest jerk" to ever host SNL. Most if not all of Seagal’s films revolve around evil plots perpetrated by elements of the U.S. Government. So he’s hardly in a position to point at others and yell ‘paranoia.’

He's pretended to be every race under the sun: From Italian, to faux-Japanese, to "Iron Eyes Cody"-style Native American, to a Russian-accented Bond villain, and in what was his weirdest phrase of all, the world's blackest white boy. At one point he said he was CIA black ops, and then when people called him on that steaming pile, he said he was the reincarnation of a Buddhist holy man. Then he changed to Captain Planet. He started to wear those frilly leather coats, alligator boots, and donning huge Indian medallions. Apparently no one told him that if you wear dead animals, you are not the next protector of the environment. And we haven’t even got to the Elvis fat years yet.

Hollyweird

“”Van Damme was tired of Seagal saying he could kick his ass and went right up to him and offered him the chance to step outside so he could wipe the floor with him, or should I say wipe the backyard with him. Seagal made some excuse and left. His destination was some Ocean Drive nightclub in Miami. Van Damme, who was completely berserk, tracked him down and again offered him a fight, and again Seagal pulled a Houdini.

—Sylvester Stallone

Steven started out surprisingly strong, considering his acting limitations. Under Siege wasn't too bad, despite the old joke that Steve wasn't really the star and that the battleship out-acted him. Despite the explicit content of his films, he has managed to maintain a near-pacifist image for most of his career of being A Good Man who is Out for Justice as an environmentalist and animal rights activist, even paying money for the disposal of nuclear weapons. Realizing the propagandistic potential of being a bankable action star, his real-world philanthropy eventually found its way into his movies as a way to spread his message to a large audience. The most famous example is a movie with an environmentalist message where he plays an ecoterrorist who happens to blow up an oil refinery on sea, mere minutes into the film. By the film's end, the main character gives a speech where the script moves On Deadly Ground cinematographically as Seagal keeps rambling about his ecological concerns for nearly four minutes straight.

Another movie has his character battling an American extreme right militia movement that unleashes a deadly airborne virus which can only be cured by an herbal medicine long known to the nearby-residing Native Americans. Both movies weren't popular with audiences and signaled a premature end of his success.

Before his film career could be Marked for Death around the turn of the millennium, Seagal wanted to seem hip to a younger, more urban generation and tried to capitalize on movies featuring rappers with zero acting skills just like himself with the predictable mixed results at the box office. Since then his career could be considered Half Past Dead but his public persona is surprisingly Hard to Kill. Seagal has unfortunately come out in supporting batshit crazy political positions like other washed-up celebrities of yesteryear, which seem at odds with his aforementioned moonbattery.

Seagal began to believe his own press. On the set of a movie, he challenged a stuntman, who is a black belt in judo, to try to choke him out. Seagal claimed to be impervious to the technique. (He was wrong.) John Leguizamo, who co-starred in Executive Decision, said that during rehearsals Seagal sauntered onto the set and arrogantly declared "I'm in command, what I say is law, anyone not agree?", which understandably caused Leguizamo to laugh in his face. Seagal then took it upon himself to cheap-shot Leguizamo, a guy half his size. He applied for a permit to carry a concealed weapon, and allegedly had a tuxedo tailored so that he could sneak guns into the Oscars. As his popularity grew, so did his paranoia. He spoke of people who were out to get him, and according to Vanity Fair, on one occasion he offered an ex-CIA operative named Robert Strickland $50,000 in cash to kill someone. Strickland had been working with Seagal on an original film project, which never got off the ground. Strickland later sued Seagal for co-opting aspects of his life story and passing them off as his own.

The years have not been kind to Seagal. It seems that he's blown all his cash to feed his Ding-Dong habit, as you'll notice if you pick up anything of his since Exit Wounds. He's so tubby in Half Past Dead that almost every shot of him is in extreme zoom so you can't see his paunch. The few times you do see him from the neck-down, he's in gigantic baggy prison chinos and sporting a hilarious do-rag. But in truth, Steven's stuntman gets most of the camera time, and if he were to seriously try any of that Aikido shit anymore, he'd defecate himself all over again.

Submerged (in international disputes)

“”Many of the people in America love Vladimir Putin

—Steven Seagal believing he shares his mancrush on Putin with the US public

“”I'm seeing CNN constantly slamming Putin

—Steven Seagal while being interviewed on RT which in turn does the same with Obama

Because if we should believe his statements on Barack Obama, the POTUS is A Dangerous Man as he bemoans his repeated use of Executive Decisions and believes if the truth about Benghazi came to light, Obama would have been impeached a long time ago. While he and fellow Republicans don't agree with Obama's supposedly authoritarian governing style, Seagal is enamored with Vladimir Putin as a statesman because he simply gets shit done when necessary. Both men have become close through their shared love of martial arts, Eastern philosophy and ancient barbaric warlords. Not only does he consider Putin a "brother" but also describes him as "one of the greatest world leaders if not the greatest world leader alive today." His creepy love for the Czar Putin has gone so far as having become an unpaid PR agent for the Russian government once displaying his completed brain-washing expertise on international issues when he talked about "Ooh-Chryne" which also might be a reason why he has no qualms about Crimea being Under Siege by Russia which he deems a "reasonable" policy. To assure that everybody got the memo of his approval for the takeover of the peninsula, Seagal attended a Russian nationalist bike show in celebration of the annexation. Seagal was banned from Ukraine in 2017 for five years as a national security threat.

The bromance is not one-sided though as Putin's trust in Seagal is allegedly so big that he apparently told Obama to appoint Seagal as an intermediary between the White House and the Kremlin during a 2015 G8 summit, a proposal which was expectedly met with derision by the US government. With his first choice rejected as a potential diplomat, Putin sees other ways that Seagal can help Russia as he considers reviving an abandoned physical evaluation program from the Soviet era where Russian schoolchildren need to endure physical fitness tests. Seagal would be at the helm of this program. Putin finally made Seagal a special envoy to the US in 2018 during the Trump administration.

Feeling homely with Putin's hospitality, Seagal doesn't want to be considered the The Foreigner any longer. He became a Serbian and a Russian citizen, both in 2016 promising to "bring Hollywood to Serbia" while not having abandoned his previous plans of becoming Putin's compatriot. Don't forget that Seagal is not Putin's poodle, but "He was asking quite insistently and over a lengthy period to be granted citizenship," according to Kremlin spokesman Dmitry Peskov.

Above the Law

“”The main reason I wanted to do this because I saw in life bad guys who thought they were so big and so bad and so tough that they could murder and rape and rob and pillage and get away with it. And I wanted to say: Wait a minute, there's other guys out there that are just tough or tougher than you and just as ugly or uglier than you.

—Steven Seagal on becoming an honorary pig police officer

Seagal was an alleged cop years before he became an actor and kept working as one even when he made millions letting his stuntman kick ass on screen. This has resulted in turning his secret day job into a reality TV show. Seagal was invited to Phoenix by the notorious closet-racist sheriff Joe Arpaio, where he would continue his decades-spanning law enforcement career while filming a new season of his reality TV show.

When forced to address Arpaio's terrible record on race, Seagal responded that his sheriff buddy doesn't hate Mexicans because 99 percent of the people on his team are actually Mexicans and assures that most of the people they arrest are not even Mexican as they do not care if someone they legitimately apprehend is "Chinese, Japanese, Filipino, German [or] Dutch", suspiciously omitting a whole slew of minorities living in the US in his enumeration.

In one of the more absurd moments of his silly show, Seagal arrived at the scene of an alleged cockfighting ring. Using Force of Execution, he damaged the accused man's residence by driving a tank into one of its gates. In the process 115 roosters, which he pretended saving, plus a pet puppy, eventually succumbed to the Exit Wounds caused by the belligerent operation of Seagal and his paramilitaristic team of voluntaries. Afterwards Seagal, the vegetarian animal rights activist, commented cynically that animal cruelty was one of his pet peeves while later being appalled at the accusation of having killed a dog during the bust. Arpaio came to Seagal's defense by more or less stating 'pics or it didn't happen.'

The End of a Gun

“”I believe in the Second Amendment in the Constitution more than anything in the world.

—Practicing Buddhist Steven Seagal who has a black belt in Aikido.

Being The Patriot he is, Seagal is a staunch defender of the Second Amendment and utterly hates gun control, spewing the same old tired conservative canard of "guns don't kill people, people kill people" especially "mentally insane people." Seagal is aware of the US being the home of the mass shootings but believes all of these atrocities to be false flag operations with the intent to create unbearable restrictions for gun owners. The half-baked solutions he offers to combat rampages are having armed guards at every single school (because we all know that shootings only take place in schools) and better parenting.

On the question if his movies might have contributed to mass shootings, he doesn't believe that graphic depictions can affect people, citing Japan as an example which has the most violent movies in the world yet has the fewest murders. What Seagal conveniently omits from this comparison is the fact that firearms are Out of Reach for most Japanese people as the country has probably the strictest gun laws in the world.

Even when it comes to guns, Seagal finds ways to help out his "brother" Putin, becoming a lobbyist for the Russian arms industry which hopes he can lift restrictions on the sale of their products inside the US, which seems to involve becoming a complete sellout by appearing in ads marketing Russian guns to US customers.

Born to Raise Hell (for women)

“”Me want tha poonani.

—Steven Seagal while performing one of his songs.

Allegedly one former wife was constantly forced to perform her duties while they were married, and other women, if famous, were sexually harassed and poor unknown "assistants" became his sex slaves. Seagal at least denies the later events but only because the wife never sued. He averted a Maximum Conviction by settling out of court with the other women. These affairs should give you a fair idea what Steven Seagal's Code of Honor looks like. And other women have since come forward in 2017 with allegations of sexual harassment by Seagal.

Into the Sun

Yes, this is an actual book.

Working alongside Arpaio, Seagal realized that America's most pressing problem was its open borders which let Arpaio talk him into considering running for governor of Arizona in 2014. In the end he declined to run as he thinks that it's more important to be a peacemaker than the leader of a state. The other reason for his no-show at the 2014 Arizona gubernatorial election was that he hadn't been registered as a person residing in the state for the necessary duration of five years; however he wouldn't rule out running during the next election as he genuinely believes he'd have a legitimate shot at winning. What Seagal doesn't realize is the possibility of a contender having a field day running against him if that potential candidate was savvy enough to dredge up his past. Not only could his moonbatty characteristics be used against him as a "fake conservative", he also has the misfortune of being a friend of America's arch-enemy Putin, working with Russian arms dealers, not to mention his unsavory history with women. He could fend off these attacks by using his Zen-like aura of sincerity, but whether that is really any equal to the authoritarian charisma of another person with similar issues has to be seen.

In 2019, he self-published The Way of the Shadow Wolves: The Deep State and the Hijacking of America, a book co-written with Tom Morrissey, the former chair of the Arizona Republican Party, with a foreword from Arpaio. The book promotes conspiracy-mongering about the deep state, fear-mongering about immigration, and Native American woo, and is just really incompetently written in general, with such wonderfully written lines as "What he had going for him was that being Native American, they could not violate their political correctness position" and "So the name is Gode? That’s it? She leaned forward, exposing her ample breasts to John as her blouse fell away from her body far enough to bring them into his view." Even the front cover is laughably terrible, with it featuring a poorly photoshopped picture of Seagal as the protagonist, who is supposed to be Native American by the way but that's okay because the back says that Seagal has Mohawk ancestry! The worst part about it is, according to Morrissey, they are making a sequel.

See also

• Billy Jack, a late-1960s and 1970s series of movies about a moonbat half-Navajo martial artist and Vietnam War veteran. Sounding familiar?

External links

• If you believe this article has treated Seagal harshly and unfairly, console yourself by reading this excellent review of his movie Urban Justice.
• Stey-by-step guide on becoming like Steven Seagal
• Summary of Seagal's Reddit AMA
• True facts about Steven Seagal