Stephen Green

Stephen "Birdshit" Green, on the prowl for an innocent child to give a right slogging

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“”He told me he’d make a piece of wood into a sort of witch’s broom and hit me with it, which he did. He hit me until I bled. I was terrified. I can still remember the pain.

—Caroline, Stephen's terrified ex-wife, recounting what Stephen did to her

Stephen Green is the director of a "prophetic ministry" in the UK, Christian Voice. What this means in practice is harassing gay people, bringing malicious legal actions and generally campaigning for people to be killed.

On the home front, Green maintains his Christian sense of moral justice - equitably beating both his wife and his children bloody (nearly breaking his son's arm), finally saving the sweet, sweet rape for just his wife. Just like Jesus would have done.

The media frequently call him for a rent-a-quote because he is such a reliable lunatic. Caroline, Green's ex-wife, describes him as "controlling, spiteful and self-righteous, delusional and completely uncontrollable" and that living with Green "was almost like living in a cult". "Almost".

He is sometimes nicknamed "Birdshit" after a gull relieved itself upon him while he was being filmed for a documentary. This event is among the strongest evidence so far observed for the existence of an intervening God.

For some reason, he is now attempting to gain a seat on the National Trust's governing council, as he is extremely offended that the National Trust talks about LGBT issues.

Jerry Springer: The Opera blasphemy suit

The BBC screened a performance of the comedy Jerry Springer: The Opera in 2005, in which Jesus describes himself as "a little bit gay." While most people who would have found this offensive were content simply not to watch it, Stephen Green felt compelled to invoke Britain's arcane and archaic blasphemy laws to drag both the BBC and the producers of the opera in to court.

Sweet juicy justice was served in late 2007, when Lord Justice Hughes and Justice Collins rejected the suit, ruling there was no case to answer. The BBC and producers were awarded costs amounting to several tens of thousands of pounds sterling, which Green says he cannot afford to pay. The odious little toad has the nerve to demand sympathy for his plight, as if he wouldn't have collected costs from the victims of his suit had he chanced to win. A petition he began to demand the BBC drop its pursuit of legal costs was signed by almost 1500 people, the majority of whom used false names and left mocking comments.

In response to the case, the Labour government amended the 2008 Criminal Justice Bill (now Act) to remove the offence of blasphemy from the statute books, though there are now potentially restrictive hate speech laws.

Harassment of homosexuals and gay pride events

Stephen Green and his Christian Voice cronies often like to picket and leaflet gay pride events, since a day without telling someone they're going to hell is a day wasted. Green was arrested in March 2006 for offences under the public order act while picketing the Cardiff Mardi Gras. The charges were later dropped.

Green actively campaigns for the police to adopt a bigoted and homophobic recruitment policy that would be illegal under British law. He describes homosexual police as "involved in some of the most disgusting perversions imaginable" and as "deviant and indecent".

Green has stated that the poor financial performance of the supermarket Tesco is down to Tesco being punished by God for supporting London's gay pride parade and nothing to do with the largest financial downturn since the Great Depression. Tesco's support for gay rights is also, according to Green, the cause of a mouse infestation in a Tesco store in London's Covent Garden.

Reintroduction of the death penalty

Like many fundamentalist Christians, Green is not content with letting Jesus judge people after they die of natural causes. No, indeed. They need to be put to death, so Jesus can get started sooner. For some reason best known to himself, he appears to think that the best way to enhance the value of human life is by killing people.

Fortunately for the preservation of a sane and just society, none of the main political parties in the UK express any support for capital punishment, and it would be impossible for Britain to reintroduce the death penalty without first leaving the European Union and the Council of Europe.

Stephen Green supports the proposed Ugandan death penalty for homosexuality.

Response to the "atheist bus campaign"

In response to the atheist bus campaign which put "There probably is no God, now stop worrying and enjoy your life" on the side of London buses, Green was reported by the BBC as saying "bendy-buses, like atheism, are a danger to the public at large". In the same response, he also said the irony meter blow-out inducing phrase "people don't like being preached at". Although he may have just been speaking from experience. This was followed by a direct complaint to the Advertising Standards Authority complaining that "There probably is no God" is not supported by evidence. His complaint was rejected.

Domestic violence

In January of 2011, it was revealed that Stephen Green isn't just a looney Christian, he's a violent, wife-beating Old Testament Christian.

Against his wife

According to his ex-wife, Caroline:

He told me he’d make a piece of wood into a sort of witch’s broom and hit me with it, which he did. He hit me until I bled. I was terrified. I can still remember the pain.

Stephen listed my misdemeanours: I was disrespectful and disobedient; I wasn’t loving or submissive enough and I was undermining him. He also said I wasn’t giving him his ­conjugal rights.

He even framed our marriage vows — he always put particular emphasis on my promise to obey him — and hung them over our bed. He believed there was no such thing as marital rape and for years I’d been reluctant to have sex with him, but he said it was my duty and was angry if I refused him. But the beating was the last straw. It ­convinced me I had to divorce him.

Against his children

In addition to beating his wife, this lovely man allegedly beat the holy spirit out of his kids as well:

He beat our middle son with a belt, in front of his best friend, for answering him back. I tried to intervene but he pushed me away. My eldest son was hit with a broomstick and kicked on the back of his legs. He still has scars on his shins. On one occasion Stephen beat him so hard with a piece of wood that we thought he might have broken his arm. When we took him to hospital, my son pretended he’d fallen because he didn’t want to incur his father’s anger.