Cat
From RationalWiki
The term cat has a few uses:
- In RationalWiki edit comments, it refers to a "category."
- In certain circumstances it can be a device of punishment.
- In certain places it means concatenate, like cat in UNIX.
- In the rest of life (i.e., non-kinky or non-wikigeek), it refers to the domestic animal
whose description follows.
Contents |
[edit] Cats!
A cat is a member of the Felidae, or feline, family of animals, readily identifiable by its adorableness and other affiliated quirks and charms. A cat is occasionally a vicious evil beast that will rake claws across one's face when it is being petted[1]. Other than that, the main contribution cats make to our lives is their ability to move with supernatural grace. Where a dog would run through a flower patch, stepping randomly on every flower on the way, felines are aware of where they place their feet at every step, their back foot going in the exact same spot as the front foot. A cat can jump 4 feet up onto a mantlepiece covered with fragile knicknacks, and not knock over a single one. Unless they want to. It should be noted that a cat apparently derives great pleasure from gently pushing things (the more fragile/breakable the better) off surfaces to the floor below and then maintaining a look of injured innocence.
Cats carry in their little heads a detailed mental map of everyplace they frequent, and are visibly startled when a new object appears. A rather effective adaptation for a relatively small animal that must contend with some much larger predators.
Cats are an interesting quirk of evolution - at an early point in human history (roughly 12,000 years ago)[2], they began to live near settled humans, and by their reliance on early human tribes, decided to let themselves be domesticated, and developed traits to aid in their newfound life.[3] It is believed cats were accepted by people after communities started to store surplus grain and other food products which attracted the rodents that cats so skillfully hunt and kill.
In return for food, drink, excrement removal, bed, and health care a cat gives back companionship and a daily lesson in how to move. Occasionally a cat will present its owner property with the corpse of an even smaller mammal or avian. Often this gift will be in installments - later portions being regurgitated, often on the furniture or person of the human cohabitee. A cat has the ability to look at anything or anyone with utmost disdain because of their conviction of total superiority. Cats can also see things that aren't there - they will suddenly stare at a point in space, causing their human companions to believe that there is a presence in the area. A human cannot decide that a cat will like a particular food; the more a person so believes, the more likely the cat is to spurn it (unless it's tuna). Why cats relish fish as much as they do is a mystery as they must have provided a very small proportion of the ancestral diet. A cat unfed for a certain period of time (currently estimated at seventeen minutes but subject to future testing) is in danger of expiring from starvation. This is evidenced by pityful "wowlings" at its human servitors and fixed staring at anything being eaten or drunk by them.
Cats are the natural enemies of all other smaller life forms and delight in torturing smaller beasts by killing them slowly. Examples include mice, rats, or, if the cat is exceptionally lucky, a long-eared jerboa
. The mere fact that an animal is larger than any particular cat is no guarantee that it will be safe from attack. Humans can satisfy this instinct in a more environmentally acceptable manner by casting balls of wool and small fluffy toys for them to play with. It should be noted however that a cat will prefer to play with a ball of wool which is in use rather than one which has been provided for the purpose.
Cats are the Inspection Officers of their households - no new item or being may be introduced to the cat's place of abode (it is their place of abode, not yours) without the Inspection Officer giving it the once over. If it is an object, it will need to be sat on - or in - to test it for suitability. If it is an item of comfort, such as a cushion, blanket or human being, the Inspection Officer must use it first to ascertain its cosiness. An empty box must be occupied and defended. All items leaving the household must also be inspected - for example, suitcases.
If a cat sleeps on a human's bed, it will have preferred locations that are calculated to be the most inconvenient/painful for the other occupants. Prior to curling on the lower abdomen or immediately beneath the chin, the cat will stamp around with claws extended, with the potential of causing extreme damage to irreplaceable parts of their human servitors.
Cats also enjoy setting a bear trap for their owners in the form of rolling onto their backs with a sweet look on their face while exposing their tummies, thus enticing human hands into the focal point of all four razor edged paws and teeth. Within a split second of initial hand-to-tummy contact, the trap is triggered, and the owner's hand becomes clamped into a barrage of scratching, biting, and strange back-legged cycle kicking. Despite the resultant injuries from such an attack, cat owners have been known to fall for this trap multiple times.
Infant cats are called kittens, and are even deadlier than normal cats due to their even sharper claws and their ability to override all rational thought in nearby humans.
People seem to be incapable of neutrality towards cats. They either love them or hate them. Cats are able to sniff out those who are not enamoured and will preferentially approach, snuggle and rub against them. Persons allergic to cats are specially likely to be treated in this manner.
[edit] Genuine Quick Facts About Cats
- A cat can hear the pulling of a ringpull on a can of catfood at 50 metres.
- The only product of cats is the hairball, designed to bring the barefoot morning person rudely awake upon stepping in it.
- Now iconic in popular culture, the domestic housecat is the source of various internet comedy memes.
- The major difference between cats and their traditional foe dogs: "dogs have owners, cats have staff".
- In defiance of known laws of relativity and quantum physics, cats have a unique ability to be in two places at once. They were in the room you just left but are next to the food bowl in the kitchen before you arrive there.
- Centuries of left-wing brainwashing has caused us to love cats.[4]
Possibly the famousest cat of the 20th century, Socks the White House Cat died of cancer in February 2009 at the age of 18.[5]
[edit] Some cats
 Domino |
 Ginger Nuts |
 A cat at infant stage, also known as a "kitty". |
 My cat pwns. Or, rather, did pwn. |
 OC |
 Tintin |
 My cat evidences an appreciation for Newton's Cradles. |
 Dickie P |
 Oh noes! Teh enemy!!! (a.k.a. Stevie) |
 Is this where teh cat party is? |
 Yin & Yang |
 Iz got 28 toes, Dulci |
 Nutmeg |
 A public service message from the kittens. Don't forget! (token lolcat, 'cause it's cute) |
 Rusty-spotted Ceiling Cat is watching you masturbate. |
 |
 some cats like to sit in small, often improvised, shelters such as a mound of wadded Christmas wrapping paper for example |
 God endowed some cats with largely offensive weapon of spitting |
 Oscar Wildcat, Maine Coon Cat |
 This cat can teleport |
 Meet the purrrresident. |
 An apt lolcat |
 Cat in a Hat |
 Erasmus Aloysius Runcible, gentleman, scholar and cat |
[edit] Purrrversity
- STRAY CAT
- by Francis Witham
- Oh, what unhappy twist of fate
- Has brought you homeless to my gate?
- The gate where once another stood
- To beg for shelter, warmth, and food
- For from that day I ceased to be
- The master of my destiny.
- While he, with purr and velvet paw
- Became within my house the law.
- He scratched the furniture and shed
- And claimed the middle of my bed.
- He ruled in arrogance and pride
- And broke my heart the day he died.
- So if you really think, oh Cat,
- I'd willingly relive all that
- Because you come forlorn and thin
- Well...don't just stand there...Come on in!
There Once Were Two Cats Of Kilkenny
- Traditional
- There once were two cats of Kilkenny,
- Each thought there was one cat too many;
- So they fought and they fit,
- And they scratched and they bit,
- Till excepting their nails
- And the tips of their tails
- Instead of two cats
- There weren't any.
If cats looked like frogs we'd realize what nasty, cruel little bastards they are. Style. That's what people remember. — Terry Pratchett (Lords and Ladies)
[edit] See also
[edit] Don't see also
[edit] Footnotes
- ↑ Personal experience, which I am prepared to swear to - Susan (bloodyface) Garlick
- ↑ Or, two young earths ago.
- ↑ Why Do Cats Hang Around Us?, Washington Post, available here.
- ↑ It's true! CP says so!
- ↑ Socks done gone Awww!
[edit] External links
- I Can Has Cheezburger? - Largely amusing cats of lol.
- ROFL Cat - Has less junk on the side than Cheezburger.
- Guidelines for cats
- PZ
