True Cross
From RationalWiki
The True Cross was discovered by St. Helena, reputedly a former British barmaid and mother of the Emperor Constantine in around 400 CE.[1] At the age of 80 she excavated at Jerusalem using what was the latest and most sophisticated archaeological techniques at that time. These consisted of rounding up all the local rabbis and torturing them until they said where it was. Unfortunately they did not know but all said that a man named Judas Cyprianus knew. St. Helena and her team then imprisoned him without food or water until he revealed the position- or his relatives had time to plant them. This succeeded where today's so-called "scientific" methods could not and three crosses were found. The True Cross on which Jesus was crucified was identified by getting an old lady who was very ill to lie on each one, but only the True one made her feel better.
The Cross was split up and a third taken to Rome (where it remains at the Church of Santa Croce) and a third remained in Jerusalem until it disappeared after the city fell to the Saracens. Saladin in fact tied it beneath his horse's tail.
The Constantinople parts were looted at the sack of Constantinople by the 4th Crusade and shared out among the Kings and Bishops involved. It has been calculated that if all the parts of the True Cross were put together they would actually make up LESS then one whole cross,[2] refuting Calvin's claim that it would make a whole ship-load of crosses.[3][4][5]
Optimistic believers are invited to place bids on eBay where parts of the True Cross are regularly offered for sale- often for less than $20.
[edit] Whereabouts
According to the guidebook, The Church of the Holy Cross, in Seaview, Isle of Wight, has a piece, but when asked about this, the local Catholic History Society polled all the congregation, and even included it in the newsletter for all Isle of Wight Christians, and nobody can remember where they put it last.
[edit] Footnotes
- ↑ All this is true. No really, it is, because if I had made it up I would have posted it on Conservapedia with the other 86 bogus articles I have done to date
- ↑ Fleury, Rohault de: Mémoire sur les instruments de la Passion (1870)
- ↑ Calvin, Jean: Traité Des Reliques (Sometime in the mid-16th century)
- ↑ Calvin might have meant shiT-load of crosses
- ↑ Maybe. Then again, maybe not.
