Goat

Were you looking for sex or Goatse?

O, en Español, "Cabra"?

The domestic goat (Capra hircus) was one of the earliest domesticated animals. The species is believed to have been first domesticated around 10,000-12,000 years ago in both the Zagros Mountains of modern-day Iran and in Anatolia along the Euphrates River. Since the dawn of time, through the modern day, man has admired the beauty of the goat.

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Goats are believed to have been domesticated in this exceptionally peaceful area of the world. Or the Garden of Eden.

Goat uses

Domestic goat (Capra hircus). The brown one is Stacey

Conservative Christians often buy goats for Malawi orphans whereas liberals, such as Madonna, prefer to keep Malawi orphans as household pets . Goats also have pretty eyes and some have beautiful eyelashes. As with all artiodactyls and cetaceans, the pupils of goats are bar-shaped.

Santa Claus was alleged to have once ridden a Yule Goat but this was later disproved as a revisionist myth created by neopagans who hate Christmas.

Eating

There's good eating on a goat, a staple in African, Caribbean, parts of the Middle East and in Dixon, New Mexico, US of A.

Goat milk is extremely rich and hypoallergenic, making it more useful for nourishing human (and other) infants than cow's milk. For feeding babies, goat milk is traditionally regarded as the next best thing to breast milk, and historically it has been common in rural communities for mothers who had problems lactating to use a goat to suckle their children instead. Goats can become so accustomed to this that they come running when they hear the baby cry.

Goat milk is also famous for cheese-making, especially French chèvre and Greek feta.

After being weaned, goats, themselves, eat primarily plant matter, including paper products. The common misperception of goats eating tin cans may have been started by people watching a goat scavenging for the labels or licking the label glue. But see also: polar bear.

Poetry

Goat rhymes with many words: boat, coat, wrote, creosote, oat, eukaryote, float, litote(s), moat, note, throat, quote, rote, symbiote, tote, prokaryote, eukaryote, scrote and vote. If you speak with a severe slur, it could even rhyme with "poet." Coincidence? I think not. See, for example, Kipling's "By the Hoof of the Wild Goat" which uses none of the above words. "Tom Murphy's Goat", by Oliver Thomas, rhymes it with "throat"… twice. But it's Australian.

Marriage

There has been much debate about what term to use for the union of goat and (usually) man. Some have opposed "marriage" as diluting the traditionally non-bestial nature of the institution. Also, many oppose granting spousal rights to goats. Others have proposed "covenant" unions, in which the relationship cannot be broken (except in times of famine).

Sometimes it has been necessary to use the law to help men "do the right thing". After being caught having relations with a goat named Rose, a Sudanese man was obliged to marry her. Unfortunately, the BBC has recently reported that the goat died after choking on a plastic bag. The goat was apparently female so, to the relief of many, there is no suggestion that the relationship may have been homosexual.

It should be noted that as of yet there has been no debate over marriage between goats. Uwiha Ch'uyay, a December 27th family tradition, is the sheep and goat wedding ceremony of Bolivia. The ritual often includes lighting candles, dabbing the animals' faces with blood, adorning them with flowers and corralling them into male and female pairs of either goats or sheep for a wedding. Throughout the ceremony, folk songs are sung to the couples. They are then force fed cocoa.

Goats, themselves, subscribe to a polygamous marriage system, in that a billy goat will control a small group of nannies (termed "the harem"), and mates with any of his nannies who he discovers are in oestrus. Polygamy in animals (goats or otherwise) is popularly anthropomorphized as having the dominant male lording over the members of his harem, but, in goats, at least, the billy goat actually has very little ability to control the behavior of his wives beyond limiting who gets to mate with them (namely, him).

Dating

For those wishing to begin a relationship with a goat there are goat dating sites with goat personal ads.

Pornography

Kid porn (sometimes incorrectly referred to as "kitty porn") has become a near-obsession with such notables as NBC Dateline correspondent Chris Hansen, host of To Catch a Predator. The show's stated goal is to use a so-called "Judas goat" (a young goat called a "kid") to trap a sick old goat. Producers first bait goat traps on MySpace and FaceBook with photos and bios of kids, and then film the take-downs of horny old goats for national entertainment.

There is no truth to the rumor that Chris Hansen keeps unedited copies of these take-downs in his special bedroom DVD collection. Since the magnetic field of his vibrator damaged his VHS tape collection, he hides stores his videos separately.

Other inter-species relationships

In one Chinese zoo a wolf and a goat have formed a "close friendship" and are now inseperable.. According to Ananova: "Since being put together, the wolf and the goat have done everything together - except share meals. The wolf sticks to his meat while the goat enjoys a vegetable diet."

Greek mythology is rife with cross-species sexual relationships. Although inter-species breeding is rare these days, Dick Cheney's ancestors have a lot to explain.

Animal sacrifice

It was reported 4 September 2007 that Nepal Airlines had goats sacrificed to the Hindu sky god Akash Bhairab in order to ensure that their aircraft - specifically, their two Boeing 757s - would stop malfunctioning. The scientific nature of this experiment in air craft maintenance is still under investigation.

Medical quackery

See John R. Brinkley.

Goats v. terrorism

When the "leader of the free world" learned that the greatest terrorist attack in history had been inflicted on his country, you would have thought that he would have leapt into action. Not George W. Bush, he insisted on listening to a group of Florida schoolchildren finish reading The Pet Goat.

• Goats mistaken for terrorists

Some other stuff

Creationists believe that goats co-existed with dinosaurs, since goats appear in historic hieroglyphs.

What to do with a Goat and a stool

Upon the stool you sit, and milk the goat a goodly bit. Then you'll be three tenths toward your certificate of Capra hircus-vaccimulgence.

Otherwise, you should avoid stepping in goat stool.

Legendary goats

Baphomet, the goat-headed occult symbol and all-round swell guy.

Pan

In the Greek Pantheon, Pan, son of Hermes, is the god of goats (and of goatherds and travelers in the wilderness). At least he was. According to the Greek historian Plutarch, Pan died sometime during the reign of Roman Emperor Tiberius (14-37C.E.). The nature of Pan's death might be viewed with suspicion if one considers the events taking place in ancient Palestine during that same time period, or that the death of Pan may have been staged as a part of a ritual in one of the many many mysterious Eleusinian Mysteries of the Eleusinian Mystery Cults. Also, because the modern world seems to lack satyrs, it is possible that a coordinated genocide took place at this time.

Capricornus

Goats have also made it into the stars due to their representative, the constellation Capricornus. Or, half of a goat, at least, as Capricornus is referred to as "The Sea Goat," (no relation to goatfish) and having the fore-section of a billy goat, with the hind-quarters of a fish. Oddly enough, some allege that Capricornus represents Amalthea, either the magical nanny goat of the nymph who raised Zeus, or the nanny-goat herself, having been placed in the sky by Zeus in order to assuage his guilt over having killed and skinned the goat who was his beloved wetnurse. Of course, those who allege that Capricornus is Amalthea never bothered to take into account that Capricornus is a male, while (either) Amalthea is female, mostly as fact-checking had not been invented back in those days.

Goatman

Jann reported seeing a goatman in Texas under his pecan tree in January 2002. Jann reports that this is unusual since there are no goats in this region of Texas.

There's also one in Maryland. Or something.

Chupacabras

We shall not speak of it.

Goats in popular culture

• Goats, goat parts and goat-like creatures were shown or mentioned in all 1,328 episodes of The X-Files.
• A goat (see Judas goat) was used in Jurassic Park to lure the Tyrannosaurus Rex into the open.
• The three billy goats Gruff, apparently brothers, starred in a popular pro-goat story by Hans Christian Andersen. The goats in this story were notable for their intelligence, at least as contrasted to the common troll.
• One version of the truth about goats is allegedly available at this blog.
• A goat briefly appears in the movie version of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.
• In the fourth Harry Potter book we learn that Dumbledore's brother has a strange fascination with goats.
• A goat with interchangeable horns appears in the movie Hoodwinked.
• A goat ate the payroll once on the television programme M*A*S*H.
• Stephen Colbert once "wagged his finger" at goats.
• The Men Who Stare at Goats is a book by Jon Ronson (2004).
• Goat Brothers is:
  • Another name for the Hans Christian Andersen story listed above;
  • A 1993 memoir by Larry Colton;
  • A swap meet and bike show for motorcycle enthusiasts, held annually in October in Saratoga Springs, NY.
• A dyspeptic goat hosts the Neil Boortz show.
• The Rough, Gruff Goat Brothers Rap by Bernice Chardiet, Jon Chardiet and Jean-Claude Suares, is a 1993 children's book and audiocassette bundle that retells the Hans Christian Andersen story in rap.
• The curse of the Billy Goat--well-known to all Chicagoans.
• Goatboy Bill Hicks
• [3] Everybody has a goat, but no one wants theirs to be gotten. Weird . . .
• Giles Goat-Boy, by John Barthes
• Chompy the Goat is the mascot of the city of Dimmsdale in Nickelodeon's "Fairly Odd Parents".
• Val Doonican once sang the story of Paddy McGinty's Goat.

Famous quotes about goats

"If she fails us, we better get used to herding goats." Kirk, Who Mourns for Adonis

"Me? A goat?" - Professor Calculus, Destination Moon

“Put silk on a goat and it is still a goat” Irish Saying

“Its no use going to the goat's house to look for wool” Irish Saying

“Don't approach a goat from the front, a horse from the back, or a fool from any side.” Yiddish Proverb

“Bring me a bowl of coffee before I turn into a goat.” Johann Sebastian Bach

"The high hills are a refuge for the wild goats; and the rocks for the conies." Psalms, 104:18

"Knowest thou the time when the wild goats of the rock bring forth? or canst thou mark when the hinds do calve?" Job, 39:1

"Where can I hang my goat?" Sir Winston Churchill (poss. misheard)

"There is no Goat but Goat, the one true Goat. All praise Goat!" --Rebuttal: A Goat’s Revenge.

Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your goats! -- Shakespeare

You could do it in a boat, you could do it with a goat. -- Dr. Seuss

Blessed are the meek, for they make great scape goats -- The Be-a-a-a-a-a-atitudes.

All that glisters is not goat -- Wilhelm von Schackespier

Sixteen! Goats in popular culture

This video clip appeared on the August 3, 2007 edition of Countdown with Keith Olbermann

Goats in the sciences

• Goats figure prominently in the so-called Monty Hall statistical problem.

Internet goats

No comprehensive studies on the role of goats within the intertubes have been conducted yet but there are several interesting facts that are readily apparent.

• A high percentage of goats references on the internet are either profane or pornographic, an unfiltered google search for the phrase "Goat" will turn up roughly 32,800,000 results, if you take this same search and filter it for obscenity you will get only 19,100,000 results. (data as of November 19, 2007)

A sorceror can turn into to goat

In Nygeria some people believe that actually happened. Vigilantes saw an attempted robbery. They persued the culprits and are convinced that one transformed himself magically into a goat. The goat is in police custody while the police try to determine scientifically if that's possible. .

Fun goat facts

• Goats have 15,000 tastebuds -- that's 5-6,000 more than the average human!
• Goats were domesticated around 7000 B.C.
• Mohair comes from the Turkish Angora goat.
• Goats have rectangular eyes - this allows them to see very well in the dark.
• A castrated male goat is called a "wether".
• Goats are very adaptable and live on every continent except Antarctica.
• Goats have a four chambered stomach.
• A google search for "goat malawi orphans" returns this very page as the first result.
• A mea capra is an admission of goat.
• Many goats enjoy smoking cigars

Goats in the Bible - The Holy Goats

,

There are many biblical references to goats of which the following is only a selection. A full list can be found at Goats in the Bible.

The scapegoat

Leviticus 16 tells us about the scapegoat. Two goats were to be selected and lots would be thrown to see which would be sacrificed as a "sin offering" and which would be released into the desert. Perhaps surprisingly the released goat was the scapegoat and the other one got the joy of being sacrificed.

Tamar

Tamar was Onan's widow - he who gave his name that pastime beloved of teenage boys and others. While pretending to be a prostitute to seduce her father-in-law she was promised a young goat for her services.

The joy of goats

The writer of the Song of Solomon seems to have had a definite thing about goats. When talking about his girlfriend's hair he often comes up with: "Your hair is like a flock of goats descending from Gilead.". To be fair to other animals he also says things like: "Your teeth are like a flock of sheep coming up from the washing." So this may be an animal fixation in general and not really goat-centric.

Judas goat

With the recently discovery of the Coptic text the Gospel of Judas, Judas' actual rôle has been called into question. What's not questioned is that he had at least one goat.

Creationist views on goats

Goats are very important to creationists — the Bible mentions them over 170 times! God made goats out of leftover cow parts, on the sixth day of Creation. This is similar to the process still used for making hot dogs. Goats are specifically mentioned in the Bible, therefore we know that they exist. God regularly calls for goats to be sacrificed on altars by having their throats cut and blood drained. It is still a mystery as to what goats did to become the object of God's loving wrath (though, some suggest it was because the ancient Jews thought that goats made a perfectly acceptable substitute for humans). Noah brought two goats onto the Ark, but unfortunately, the male goat was gay. Noah implemented a program of reparative therapy. The goats were able to live an appropriate lie, and were fruitful and multiplied. God Bless!

Objective Ministries

"Mr. Gruff, the atheist goat" is a main character on the Objective Ministries website.[4]

How to get your goat

Many people prefer their goats farm-fresh, but it isn't always convenient for a busy city dweller. For those who want their goats fast and on time, it's easier to rent.

GOAT as an acronym

• GOAT Glossary of Acronyms and Terms
• GOAT God of All Things
• GOAT Galveston Orientation and Amnesia Test
• GOAT Gap/Overlap Analysis Tool
• GOAT Gene Ontology Annotation Tool
• GOAT Grouped Optimal Aggregation Technique
• GOAT Graphics Optical Analysis and Translation
• GOAT Government of All Talents (Gordon Brown's administration)
• GOAT Greatest of All Time (LL Cool J music album)
• GOAT Guru of All Trades
• GOAT Goes Over All Terrain (vehicle)
• GOAT Gone on a Trip
• GOAT Get Out At Town (for bus trips!)
• GOAT Garry Only Ate Toast (very short eulogy)
• GOAT Go Away Troll
• GOAT Get Our Act Together
• GOAT Goofiest of All Terms ((Okay, I made that up.)

Conservapedia and goats

Conservapedia has taken an appallingly disrespectful attitude towards goats. The article is far too short, full of right-wing bias, and has been repeatedly deleted and recreated to reset the page views and imply goats are far less notable and important than they actually are.

To be fair, Goats are equally disrespectful toward Conservapedia. They justify this, claiming that being bucolic creatures, they are acutely sensitive to the stench of bullshit.

Goat hunting

It has been pointed out that some Vice Presidential candidates enjoy rather one-sided hunting of various beasts. It makes them more of a man, might be the accepted supposition. However, it should be noted that at least one user believes that goat hunting by helicopter should be a crime against humanity (goatanity?). For the love of Goat, if you want to hunt goats, do it the real manly way - with your bare hands.

Goat persecution

In the Democratic Republic of Congo, goats have been known to be detained in jail cells without access to legal council while awaiting trial for the crime of being sold illegally by the roadside.

Why a goat?

In 2006, Church of the SubGenius devotee Rachel Bevilacqua, also known as Rev. Mary Magdalene, temporarily lost custody of her son because she could not explain the humor in photos of her celebrating X-Day with a goat heads mask. With the Judge repeatedly asking "Why a goat?", and never once asking "Why no chicken?"

When goats go bad

On Jan 23 2009 Reuters reported that Police in Nigeria were holding a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.

It seems that Vigilantes took the black and white beast to the police saying it was an armed robber who had used black magic to transform himself into a goat to escape arrest after trying to steal a Mazda 323.

Reuters quotes Kwara state police spokesman Tunde Mohammed as saying:

“”The group of vigilante men came to report that while they were on patrol they saw some hoodlums attempting to rob a car. They pursued them. However one of them escaped while the other turned into a goat.

See also

• Tuesday: the major festival in goat oriented worship
• Obesity
• Everything else

External links

• "Goatgle" a worthless copy of Google by User:Icewedge.
• Slate.com: Jon Katz' three goats won't stop jeering him
• Super Heavy Goat Ass MySpace page.
• Denmark, too, has its goat.
• Help someone out - buy them a goat!

Footnotes

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