Difference between revisions of "Fun:Jesus"
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Revision as of 11:21, 6 July 2008
(A more serious article on this topic can be found here.)
Jesus (ca. 4 BCE - 29 CE) was a carpenter in the early Mission school[1] and one of the first victims of Jerusalem syndrome. He had trained under his "father", Joseph, and was making a fair living hacking out tables, chairs, and oaken chests, when the bottom fell out of the Palestinian furniture market, forcing him, at age 30, to seek other forms of sustenance. He decided to run with his natural charisma, telepathic connection to God (YHWH), and basic exposure to Aristotelian ethics, and formed a small ministry. He and his small band of camp followers (including this broad, whom he was probably hittin') would travel around the local countryside, providing entertainment and, sometimes, salvation or magical cures, in exchange for simple meals, wine, and shelter.
His brief career as a soothsayer met an abrupt and violent end when he ran afoul of the local conservative fundamentalist religious leaders, who succeeded in getting the Romans to crucify him. His miraculous reappearance three days after his death to some of his followers permanently ensured that some people's claims of his divinity would be taken seriously. This is why some of his followers to this day favor capital punishment.
Many years later, a confirmed bachelor from Tarsus known as Saul was on a long journey to Damascus with insufficient water to keep hallucinations at bay, and went through a "conversion" experience. He adopted the name Paul, and, by writing many letters to people he had met during his travels, totally screwed up Jesus' reasonable, humanistic vision of how to live by injecting it with his closeted homophobic and misogynist paranoia.