Barack Obama

Barack Obama using his pagan mind-melding techniques to control an audience.

Barack Hussein Obama (allegedly synthesized or spawned in Honolulu, August 4, 1961) is the "alleged" 44th President of the United States. As far as we can tell by various Internet ramblings, he is a Christian, Muslim, Jewish, Hindu, and this controversy somehow prevents him from doing his job; obviously, with so many gods and goddesses to pray to, how do you expect him to do his job as President? He previously served as a communist "community organizer", Senator from Illinois and as an active member of the Democratic Party. He is most notable for being young and idealistic-seeming. One of the central things that distinguished his campaign from those of the other mainstream Democratic candidates was that he practices "the politics of Hope." Oh yes, and he will also bring Change.

President Obama was introduced to the world during the 2004 Democratic convention, when he gave a keynote speech that made much of the nation take notice.

He is now known to the world as the avatar of American racism perhaps being consigned to the "ash-bin of history". We can only "hope".

A lot of Americans are wary of Obama as they believe he is not actually American. This is probably because he weighs less than 350 pounds.

Mr. Obama is the first President with African American lineage, elected from the great state breakaway province of Hawaii. As such it was feared that he would be sworn into office on a pineapple, or, worse yet, some pagan idol, but instead he was sworn in on the Lincoln Bible in which, incidentally, all the sections on homosexuality were crossed out and replaced with "♥ Joshua". There are also allegations that he is gay or bisexual.

A noted tyrant, B. Hussein Obama ordered the US military to forcibly shave the head of conservative icon Stephen Colbert for not joining in with the liberal media lovefest.

In August 2009, Michelle Malkin's book Culture of Corruption: Obama and His Team of Tax Cheats, Crooks, and Cronies reached #1 on the New York Times Best Seller list for hardcover nonfiction, even though Michelle Malkin is actually a fiction writer.

In October of 2009, he was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for his stunning success in not being George W. Bush.

Political views

American-hating militant taps fists with crypto-Islamic Marxist.

Obama has taken a clear stand against torture and for human rights, except for privacy rights and some other civil liberties when he voted for FISA.

He also does not advocate a mandatory universal health care plan, as his is merely about lowering premiums and costs. Many have called this plan more effective than Senator Clinton's mandatory plan, and many have criticized it for being not fully mandatory.

Oh, and if we haven't mentioned, he likes Change. A lot. We're serious.

Obama said that opposing the war in Iraq was “as tough a decision that I’ve had to make, not only because there were political consequences but also because Saddam Hussein was a bad person and there was no doubt he meant America ill.”

Obama was a state senator in Illinois when Congress authorized the president to use force in Iraq. He didn’t have to make a decision on the war.

Various smear attempts

File:Barack's faces.jpg

The many faces of Barack Obama

Many people have tried to smear Obama by claiming he is a Muslim (which, as Colin Powell rightly pointed out, shouldn't be a smear, but, alas, it is in practice), since his father (who was an African immigrant) was (or perhaps he may have been an agnostic or even an atheist). However, Obama is a staunch Christian, and often injects Jesus and God into his speeches. The myth of Obama's connections with Islam originated with paranoid right-wing pundit and litigator Andy Martin, who has also perpetuated various other smears against Obama, linking him to radicalism and socialism, as well as demanding public access to his birth certificate.

Ethnicity and descent are supposed to mean nothing in America. This is the Land of the Free. People come here from all over the world and they are free to start over and carve out a new destiny for themselves. All except for Barack Obama, who, according to the wingnuts, is somehow chained to the Islamic precepts of a father he never knew.

Obama was criticized by a lot of right-wing faux-patriots for not putting his hand on his heart while singing the National Anthem.

Unlike some people, Senator Obama does not wear a flag pin in his lapel, because he thinks it isn't needed to prove his patriotism, and also because he can probably remember which country he's President of without having to look at it every few minutes. However, he did wear one given to him by a veteran at one speech. He has continued to wear one sporadically during his campaign, notably at major political events.

In yet another horrific public display, Senator Obama was observed not putting his hand on his heart while the National Anthem was being sung. It should be noted, however, that this is not a necessary protocol - one is merely expected to remove one's headgear, remain respectfully silent or sing along, and avoid scratching one's nether regions (a protocol routinely ignored by professional athletes, among others). Since Obama was singing along, it makes sense that he would keep his arms at his side, in order to facilitate better voice production.

His other major issues with winning over people include:

• His name terrifies illiterate rednecks:
  • Barack (rhymes with Iraq, also means "blessed" in Swahili--derived from the same Semitic language root as Baruch in Hebrew)
  • Hussein ('nuff said)
  • Kennedy (Fox News)
  • Obama (spelled by Faux News as Osama)

• His skin color terrifies racist morons.

• His alleged use of mind-control terrifies quacks.

Several conservative blogs and commentators, suffering from a huge case of sour grapes over the election, have stated that Barack Obama is the first affirmative action President. This quite idiotic and clearly bitter accusation is completely at odds with observed polling behavior related to race, known as the Bradley effect, where people of ethnic minorities get fewer votes in reality compared to polls. No one believes he is the second affirmative action President.

When the idea of an "Affirmative Action President" is applied, it becomes apparent that several world leaders have been the beneficiaries of affirmative action. George W. Bush - and pretty much every other President - benefited from affirmative action in favor of privileged white males. In France, the current president represents affirmative action in favor of short people and Italian supermodels . It is perhaps the only explanation for why Silvio Berlusconi keeps getting elected.

Obama has been attacked because his pastor, the Rev. Jeremiah Wright, while certainly being a little edgy, and definitely being outspoken, has been quoted severely out of context in attempts to make him seem like an America-hating bat-shit crazy loon.

Senator Obama "is a communist gay Martian".

Additionally, many have attempted to discredit the Obama campaign by claiming that he was not born in the U.S., a requirement for any U.S. president. Given that there is no evidence for him being a Martian, Muslim, Gay or Communist, this has been the last refuge of those who, frankly, just can't stand that a black man won an election.

The first 100 days: predictions

Iman Obama spends his last days in his typical Kenyan (a province of Somalia) garb, before donning a three-piece suit, falsifying a certificate of registering as a person born in Hawaii (before it became American), and infiltrating America to make America part of the World Caliphate under the UN.

The first 100 days of the Obama Administration are expected to be eventful ones.

1. All handgun owners must deliver their weapon to the local police station within five days, together with all associated cartridges. Rifle and shotgun owners must turn in their weapons after the 2009 hunting season, but not later than December 31, 2009.
2. Government-funded high school field trips to Mecca to complete the "Hajj" element of the Five Pillars Of Islam curriculum shall fulfill the Social Awareness credit required for graduation.
3. The minimum wage shall be raised to $10 per hour, even for lettuce-pickers, and the maximum wage shall also be lowered to $10 per hour, even for doctors.
4. There shall be a mandatory draft for all men and women ages 18 to 20 into the Civilian Overseas Nation Building Corps, unless they are accepted in a Women's Studies or Progressive Journalism program at a major East Coast university.
5. Boot Camp to be replaced with outcome-based training in all branches of the service. Instead of taking orders, recruits will be encouraged to share their impressions of what the Company Commander is suggesting they try to do.
6. All current residents of the Federal and State corrections system shall be discharged and enrolled in voluntary anger-management courses. Prisons shall become re-education facilities for hate crimes, such as calling Rosie a "fat annoying dyke".
7. All vehicles getting less than 35 miles per gallon shall pay an annual federal Excise Tax not less than 10% of the Kelly Blue Book value of the rig.
8. All freeway lanes except the far right lane are to be designated HOV lanes for cars carrying at least four persons, enforced by computer cam, watched by 1.5 million new federal employees working from home.
9. Comprehensive health care, broadband pornography, home heating oil, and government cheese are all basic rights to be given to the American people for free.
10. Allahu Akbar shall be inscribed in Arabic on American currency, replacing the current hate slogan "In God We Trust"
11. NASA's budget will be increased by 2 billion USD. Or decreased. Or eliminated. Or something. Guaranteed.
12. All group-specific, misogynistic, sexist, gender-prejudiced racist words (including but not limited to: woman, man, women, men, black, white, Muslim, Jew, gay, homosexual, girl, boy, sweetie pie, African-American, Indian, Native American, Alaskan, Hawaiian, Chicagoan, chef, Jedi, Sith, Romulan, Vulcan, unicorn, custodial engineer, President, and, lastly, flying buttress safety test level assistant, will be stricken from the dictionary, encyclopedia, public record, phone book, address book, cell phone address book, cell phone conversation, conversation, computer record, record player, ball player handbook, Hungarian-English phrase book, Chinese-Hungarian phrase book, brain, website, and all other forms of media, and replaced with the terms "Komrade" and "Honky".
13. Joe the Plumber's taxes will be raised 18 and a half thousand percent.
14. Bill Ayers will be in charge of fireworks at the White House 4th of July party.
15. British comedian Sasha Baren Cohen will reveal that the Obama character is his newest fictional movie character.

The first 100 days: the sad reality

Cabinet appointments

• Secretary of State: Hillary Rodham Clinton, ex-Senator from the great state of New York, has been confirmed.
• And some other people for her and Barack to argue with.

Guantanamo Bay military prison

• As of January 20, 2009, a 120-day suspension was put on all trials taking place at Guantanamo Bay.
• On January 22, 2009, President Obama signed an executive order to close Guantanamo within a year, and for those incarcerated within to be dealt with as quickly as possible. A year later, people still linger in Gitmo, and no trials have been held.

Universal health care

• February 5, 2009: Obama extends health care to 4 million uninsured children.
• February 25, 2009: Obama sets out eight guidelines for his new health care plan.

Ending the miltary occupation of Iraq

• February 27, 2009: Obama sets the date of the Iraq War's end to be August 31, 2010. However, at least one report argues that American military combat brigades are slated to stay in Iraq for an indefinite time following the end of the official occupation.

Miscellaneous obvious expectations

• January 30, 2009: The abortion funding "gag rule" (preventing any clinic anywhere in the world that receives US funding from mentioning the evil abortion word) is rescinded, along with other Dubya-era executive orders.
• February 9, 2009: Obama lifts the restrictions on stem-cell research.
• Sign the Kyoto Protocols already!
• Solve the slow-burning disaster that is the Israeli/Palestinian disaster.
  • (If he can pull this off, he really will have earned the nickname "Obamessiah".)
• Bring back bell-bottomed trousers.{{POV}}
• Hire someone really easy to make fun of, so Saturday Night Live and Jon Stewart have something easy to work with. Lord knows SNL needs easy.
  • (Hint, we hear George W. Bush needs a new job.)

War crimes committed by the United States under President Obama

• On January 23 2009, a mere 72 hours after taking office, Obama authorized an armed strike against a village in Pakistan--an ostensible ally of the United States in the War on Terror--which killed 22 people, the majority of whom were civilians.
• On February 14, 2009, the United States, for the second time in a month, bombed a village in an allied country.
• By the end of March, it began to appear as if the US under Obama would be expanding the War on Terror into Pakistan while winding down its major military commitment in Iraq.

Other abuses of basic human rights committed by Barack Obama

On 20 February 2009, the Obama administration announced that it would maintain the Bush-era policy that Afghans being held prisoner in appalling conditions at the Bagram air base do not have constitutional rights, possibly (but not confirmed) including the right to access a lawyer or the right to challenge their detention. "They've now embraced the Bush policy that you can create prisons outside the law," said an attorney from the ACLU. Obama is also apparently planning the construction of expanded Bagram facilities in order to double the number of people being held as "enemy combatants."

The next 1361 days

Universal health care

• March 23, 2010: Obama signed a health insurance reform bill into law.

Sweet!

2008 primary and caucus out-of-dates

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Me and the Bamster

He won the Iowa caucus and South Carolina primary, and a bunch of others on Super Tuesday. He went twelve-for-twelve in February and won Vermont in March. In May, he won North Carolina, whereupon he was declared the "presumptive nominee" by many pundits.

Towards the end of the race, he succeeded in maintaining a marginal lead over Hillary Clinton, in what became a two-way race.

On May 14, he received the endorsement of John Edwards, the third-place former candidate. He also gained the support of Chris Dodd, another former candidate, and a half-dozen or so Kennedys.

By the end of the primary/caucus season, June 3 2008, he had garnered enough pledged delegates and endorsements from superdelegates to claim the Democratic Party nomination. This was confirmed further when Senator Clinton suspended her campaign on June 7, 2008, and pledged her support to Obama, effectively giving him the nomination. Clinton further sealed the deal, and also attempted to set the party back on the path to unity behind Obama by using her speech at the Convention to call for his nomination by acclamation (rather than going through the tedious process of delegate counting and voting). Her call was answered with a rousing "Yes (we can)!"

2008 presidential election

Chief Justice John Roberts fumbles

This mind control ray was used to get people to vote for Him...er, I mean him.

• August 23, 2008: Obama chose Senator Joseph Biden as his Vice-Presidential candidate.
• August 28, 2008: Barack Obama was nominated by acclamation as the Democratic Party's presidential candidate, making him the first African-American to become the presidential candidate for a major political party in the U.S.
• November 4, 2008:Barack Obama won the 2008 Presidential Election
• November 5, 2008:As of 9:45 AM Conservapedia has still failed to edit their page on Barack Obama and declare him President Elect.

When Obama was ready to announce Joe Biden for VP, he sent the name out at 3 AM by text message to people who signed up (generating $3,000,000, which was split evenly between the Telecoms and the Obama campaign). There were still some kinks to be ironed out, but Obama's noble experiment to make the White House work like American Idol (known as Pop Idol in other places without an identity crisis) continues apace. By January 2009, people will be able to text in their preferences for anything from renegotiating NAFTA to defending Taiwan. For the first time, Americans will have a direct impact on what their President will do. And what could be more Democratic than that?

• January 20, 2009: Barack Obama is sworn in as the 44th President of the United States.

However:

“”I asked a Kenyan with whom we were working whether he was pleased that America looked to be about to have its first black president, and one of Kenyan extraction at that? ‘Very pleased,’ he replied. ‘But you must remember Mr. Obama’s mother is of European extraction. If Barack Obama had stayed here and been elected as our leader, he could have become Kenya’s first white president.’

—Stephen Fry

Birth certificate "controversy"

In mid 2009 a group of insane people called birthers tried to deny that Obama was a US citizen.

See also

• American Recovery and Reinvestment Act of 2009
• Obama citizenship denial
• Obama and fascism

External links

• On March 18 2008, Senator Obama gave a landmark speech, responding to scurrilous attacks by rising far above them and addressing one of the deadly problems in American society. The text and video are available here.
  There is also a text copy here for your convenience.
• Obama gives his views on patriotism.
• Obama gives his acceptance speech (video, text, MP3 audio) after winning election as the 44th U.S. president.
• Cracked magazine: The 4 Craziest Right Wing Fears About Obama.
• Barack Obama on science and Charles Darwin

Footnotes

United States 2008 presidential election articles on RationalWiki

Topics: Debate:Religious beliefs and public office - Mission accomplished - Same-sex marriage - United States Electoral College - Values Voter Debate 2007

Parties: Constitution Party - Democratic Party - Green Party of the United States - Libertarian Party - Republican Party
Candidates: Baldwin (Con) - Brownback (R) - Clinton (D) - Giuliani (R) - Huckabee (R) - Keyes (R) - McCain (R) - McKinney (Green) - Obama (D) - Paul (R) - Romney (R) • Running mates: Biden (D) - Palin (R)

Winner: Barack Obama