Astronomy

Astronomy is the science of pretty lights in the sky. While it was once thought that they were all animate creatures, often with special powers, that influenced daily human life here on earth, we now know that they don't care about us at all.

Stars

In fact, pretty much all of the pretty lights in the sky are great glowing gas bags, gigantic space ovens slowly fusing hydrogen nuclei into helium and a few other light elements. Once stars have finished their first stage of evolution (no Andy, don't get excited, that's not biological evolution), having consumed most of their hydrogen and collapsed, they get hard at work at making some heavier elements, up to iron. These nuclear reactions produce a tremendous amount of energy, and make them glow in the dark.

The nearest one is the god we call Helios, Sol, or, colloquially, the sun. Because it is so near, it appears very bright to us and makes the side of the earth facing it warm and well-lit. All the others, even though some may be much bigger, are so far away that they look like little backlit pinholes cut into a dark velvet canopy in the sky.

Eventually, stars that are massive enough may undergo an implosion/explosion effect, resulting in a (Chevy) nova or (Pontiac) supernova, in which elements heavier than iron can be synthesized. God made a supernova to alert some shepherds to the birth of the Baby Jesus. Depending on the original mass of a star, following its collapse or explosion the remnants can take various forms ranging from a red giant, neutron star, white dwarf, or black hole.

Planets

A few other pretty lights are what we call "planets", or wanderers (because they appear to "wander" across the sky through the various constellations of stars). They are rocks or gas bags that, like the earth, orbit the sun, and are only visible due to the light they reflect from the sun. Some of them also have moons (more on that in a moment) orbiting them in turn. The most famous, astronomy-ically speaking history-wise, are the four largest moons of Jupiter, which were observed by Galileo with a primitive homemade telescope. A Federation shuttlecraft is named for him for this reason. Saturn is also known for its very pretty rings, which are made up of billions of tiny pieces of rock and ice.

Planets closer to the sun tend to be formed of rock because mass was denser towards the center while the solar system was forming. Those that are farther from the sun, such as Saturn and Jupiter, tend to be less dense as a result. When you get as far out as Pluto, it is hard to tell if you are dealing with a planet or a large asteroid, one of the miscellaneous pieces of rock left over while the planets were forming.

Extrasolar planets

Extrasolar planets are pretend planets orbiting stars other than the Sun. As of March 2010, atheist intellectuals with devil machines claim to have observed 442 exoplanets. As the Bible mentions no such thing, it is safe to ignore the godless monkey-men.

Moons

Moons are tiny lights close to planets, which you can only see with atheist scientific instruments such as telescopes and binoculars. As such, many people believe they do not exist. The exception is one extra-special moon — the one that orbits our planet. As with the sun things, because it is very near it looks bigger (and brighter, although only with the reflected glory of Helios). It is a big rock that is no longer geologically active. Humans have been there and left sundry trash lying around, as we usually do.

Miscellaneous

In addition to the pretty lights, there are lots of chunks of crap (rock, dust, ice, etc.) orbiting Helios at various distances and at variously warped orbits. These include Asteroids by Atari, Comet, a household cleanser and flying reindeer, and Pluto, a dog who nobody loves any more.

Caution

When you go outside at night and look up, be careful not to trip over anything, or fall in a hole.

See also

• Conservapedia:Symmetry between the sun and the moon