Guide to Acts

From RationalWiki

The Acts of the Apostles is about how all those ancient Christians managed without Jesus. Saint Peter preached in Jerusalem, and many credulous folk believed stories about resurrections and empty tombs, et cetera. Peter told a story about the death of Judas Iscariot, saying Judas bought a field and died in a fall. (Acts 1-18). That contradicts (Matt 27-5) which claims he hanged himself.^[1]

The second chapter tells of how The ~~Force~~ Holy Spirit came to the church: with the rush of a mighty wind and flames of fire settling on each believer. Actually it was probably a brush fire driven by a katabatic wind, but since they were all drunk with new wine, everyone ignored the danger and partied like it was 1999. The Force is strong with this one. Eventually, they ran out of magic mushrooms and decided to hold all things in common and practice communism for a few months. Ananias and Sapphira held back some of their real estate earnings, making Peter unable to purchase more Rolls Royces to drive around the commune, so Peter pwnd them. Eventually they got tired of communism and started a faith healing crusade for a while.

Peter fasted for a long time. A very, very , long time. Sometimes, very, very hungry people might dream, or even hallucinate, about food. Peter had a “vision” telling him that he could eat anything he liked -- including "unclean" food. Due to that, Christians don’t feel bound by Kosher food laws.^{[citation needed]}

The ~~enemas of Christianity~~ enemies of Christianity sometimes persecuted the Christians. Saint Steven was stoned to death. Saul of Tarsus looked after the coats of those who stoned him. Later Saul of Tarsus had hallucinations on the road to ~~somewhere or other~~ Damascus. He became a Christian, and changed his name to Paul of Tarsus. Paul preached to many people and Christians imagined he worked miracles. He converted many credulous people, held a book burning, and wrote many letters to Christian groups he had visited in his travels, which later entered the New Testament under the overall title of the "Epistles of Paul".

Acts 2:38 is the favorite verse in the entire Bible of churches practicing Jesus-only baptism, but they somehow failed to read just a few verses past that where we are told to hold all things in common and practice communism. Oops!