Essay:Monkeys Should Be Citizens
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This essay is an original work by Nathan Sullivan. Please comment only on the talk page.
The citizenship of monkeys and apes is a hot-button issue in America these days. My thoughts?
Well, I believe that monkeys and apes having been born within the United States that are deemed capable of integrating into society should be granted full citizenship by the United States government. A “primate” is noted as being any member of the biological order “Primates”, which includes human beings, whereas an “ape” is any primate without a tail and a “monkey” is any primate with a tail.
This is justified by countless university studies, such as those conducted with Koko, a gorilla who has been taught American sign language, which indicates apes and monkeys have IQs rivaling and even surpassing those of mentally retarded human beings. Additionally, mentally handicapped individuals are not denied citizenship, and intelligent apes and monkeys have demonstrated the capacity (I believe) to integrate into American society. These primates, as citizens, would be able to be employed, attend school, vote, and have all other rights that are granted to human citizens. Monkey and ape citizenship selection would of course be overseen by the United States Citizenship and Immigration Services. The Administration of Primate Enfranchisement, a federal administration under the USCIS who specializes in assimilating monkeys and apes into society and constructing healthy relations between humans, monkeys, and apes, should be established. This administration would easily be funded through its parent administration. Under the FY2009 budget request, direct congressional appropriations make about 1% of the USCIS (and APE) budget and about 99% of the budget will be funded through fees. The total USCIS FY2008 budget is projected to be $2.87 billion, and could easily drop to $2.70 billion if the APE was established.
I have written to my Congressman with sincerity on this issue, and he has repeatedly refused to respond to my request (how's that for some alliteration, eh?).
When we look at this matter, we of course must change our definition of what makes a person an "individual". Monkeys, as I well understand, fulfill all of the requirements for the definition of "consciousness": subjectivity, self-awareness, sentience, and the ability to perceive the relationship between oneself and one's environment. I have seen it with my own eyes. The 1996 film Ed starring Matt LeBlanc is evidence of it.
What most people are looking for on this issue is some sort of assurance that monkeys won't just go apeshit and tear everything apart. But that's exactly what slave owners thought too. Once we let the monkeys out of their cages and into society, they will live in ghettos and form street gangs and invent some sort of new form of music just like African-Americans.
Think about it. You could be at work, sitting in your cubicle, and there could be a monkey in the cubicle right next to you, doing his monkey thing, sipping his coffee and eating a banana.
